Most parents understand, intellectually, that the kitchen table should be a happy place. But then reality hits: crazy schedules, complaining kids, and nutrition standards that seem impossible to meet. The truth is there is a lot that can get in a way of creating enjoyable family meals.
Why even try? We know frequent family meals are linked to improved health and well being of children. But making those meals enjoyable makes everything better: connection, nourishment, and food learning. Not to mention, the atmosphere at the table helps shape a child’s emerging relationship with food.
So I’m listing out what I believe parents who are successful at creating mealtimes don’t do most of the time.
1. They don’t focus on nutrition negatives
Parents who stress enjoyment don’t harp on the nutrition negatives — or the latest food trend — so ever-present in our food environment. That doesn’t mean they don’t manage foods with sugar or trips out to eat, but it’s not an all or nothing attitude.
Instead, they keep a big picture view of diet and focus on all the goodies they want to include. These goodies include everything from upping the plant-based foods to balancing it all out with yummy desserts. In short, they put thought into what is served and enjoyment is stressed above all. For kids, this sets the tone that good nutrition is a positive part of meals, not a negative.
2. They don’t try to control what they can’t
Parents who aim for enjoyable meals don’t attempt to control their child’s eating. There’s no you need to eat more veggies before dessert. Food is not used as a punishment or reward. Meals are put on the table and kids are allowed freedom within those choices.
But no parent is perfect, and the times parents do try to control kids they quickly realize how negative it turns the table. It reminds them why that it’s their job to get that meal on the table, and it’s the kids’ job to eat (see Satter’s Division of Responsibility).
3. They don’t stay inflexible about meals and cooking
There’s so much that goes on before the meal is served, from planning to shopping to cooking. Doing the same thing even when it’s clearly not working makes the whole process drudgery, which can’t help but contribute to the attitude at the table.
The family cook will be happier when she finds a way to get meals on the table that work for everyone. This might mean making changes from what worked before kids, or deciding it’s time to alter the current routine. Either way, flexibility is key when it comes to family cooking.
4. They don’t aim for perfection
The expectation that kids should eat perfectly and every family member needs to love every meal blocks joy from reaching the table. Parents who stress joy at the table understand that not everyone will be pleased with every meal and that kids’ eating is by nature unpredictable. If they don’t do this, most meals end up a big disappointment. Instead, they focus on connection and look for the small successes and changes that add up to bigger ones later.
5. They don’t go it alone
Having one person do all the cooking, shopping, dishes, and table setting often result in a crabby cook (I should know). It makes it that much harder to accept those meals that don’t turn out or to stay patient with little ones at the table.
Happy cooks learn to delegate duties, making it a win-win. Kids gradually learn cooking skills and the head cook feels a bit lighter and less resentful of the work that needs to be done.
Finding the source of the stress
Although every meal at my house is far from blissful, I do try pinpoint what needs fixing when mealtime feels like more of a slog. Are we connecting at mealtime? Am I trying to control the kids’ eating? Am I asking for enough help?
Are your family meals enjoyable? And if not, what do you think is getting in the way?
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Meal times are generally pretty pleasant in our house. I think I could do with keeping #5 in mind more though! Because I enjoy cooking and am generally responsible for meal planning, preparing food, etc., and it’s just my routine, I often forget that my husband is more than happy to help out when I could use help or just a break in general. And that my daughter, who is three, can also help in her own way too, like helping set the table.
I’m glad meals are going well! It’s always great to start the helping out habit early!
I never much care for an opinion based article that uses the word “don’t”. I is a part if our parent shaming article.
I have brilliant little eater that try everything. From time to time there may be a couple meals where they test the boundaries but as they get older that gets less and less. I love cooking and we do a variety of meals and flavours. You could say we use dessert as a reward because they know if they want a candy or bowl of ice cream they have to finish their plate. I serve them a small portion of everything and now they usually ask for more. If they don’t that is okay. This all being said I realize we all have different priorities and technics. No do and don’t list for me because I realize I don’t know everything.
I have a 2 year old selected eater (He has 4 or 5 items that I know he will eat and I have been doing them in rotation.) My schedule is tough as a working mom and I was feeding him after I got home and then making a dinner for my husband and I after bedtime. Not only were we eating late, but we were missing the element of enjoying a meal together, which I really wanted for my family. I have recently started cooking dinner so we can all sit down together at the table. This limits the type of dinners I can have ready in the time allotted, but he will randomly try something new or at least be curious about it. I am hopeful that this will get him used to seeing different foods on his plate (along with a comfort item I know he will eat) and eventually we will be able to move away from the rotation. It is hard to work into the mentality of “eat what is there, there are no substitutes”. This is where that stress comes from, “will he starve?” What do I do if he asks for a snack later? Is that where I should be headed, removing the comfort food? If he decides to pass and only eat a yogurt, will we eventually get to the place of less picky? I appreciate your blog and tips so much as I feel like I want to help my son have a healthy relationship with food.
Hi Lauren. Yours is a common concern. The solution is to provide 1-2 meal options your child accepts. I write about that in this post:
The Side Strategy that Saved My Family’s Mealtime
Hang in there! It gets better!