This is Part 3 of a collection of posts used to help write my book The Family Dinner Solution
“I would love to have your key points summarized on a wee poster so I can remind myself and educate my husband also. Do you have such a thing available?”
This request came just as I was working on a chapter in The Family Dinner Solution on dinner rules. Having some very basic meal guidelines posted for every family member to see can be a sanity saver. Also, it helps parents follow through with their commitment to family meals while setting very clear limits.
The end of this post has a download option if you want to post these “rules” on your fridge.
1. You don’t have to eat (but please join us at the table for family time)
Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility is the key to avoiding most feeding challenges. If you haven’t heard of it, this is the feeding philosophy supported by most major health organizations like the AAP. It comes down to this: parents and kids are responsible for two very different jobs in the feeding realm. The parent’s job is to choose the meals, when they will be eaten and where. The kid gets to decide whether to not to eat it.
Kids often need to be reminded of this when they whine about the dinner choice (see rule 4 below). In short, kids need to know that while they don’t have to eat, their presence at the table is non-negotiable.
2. There will always be something at the table you like
When a child comes to the table and sees a bunch of unfamiliar food it can cause them to panic. I always tell my kids there will always be something on the table they prefer. This helps for other reasons too. Parents often complain that their kids say they are full when in reality they didn’t like the meal. Then, an hour later they are asking for snacks. Having something they can fill up on avoids this very common problem (see this post for other common meal challenges).
You may worry that your child will never expand his horizons, but he will. After a while children tire of even of their favorite foods, appetites increase and minds become less resistant. Continual exposure and offering with a safety net allows kids to expand at a pace that is right for them.
3. Helpers are appreciated! You will be assigned one small job before dinner
Having kids help in the kitchen is good for a variety of reasons from learning cooking skills to getting food exposure to easing parents’ workload. But I find that posing the question “Do you want to help make X?” rarely piques my kids’ interest. So I’ve started assigning small jobs. Sometimes this is cooking or prep related and other times it’s just setting the table.
4. No food complaining allowed, please
I don’t allow complaining about the food like “not this again!” This also includes saying negative things about any particular food item like “gross” or “yucky.” This rule is in place out of respect for the cook and others who do enjoy the food. I encourage my kids to simply say “no thank you.”
Don’t let complaining turn the atmosphere negative. I simply remind my kids of the rule and empathize: “It sounds like your disappointed with the meal choice. Remember, no complaining, it’s disrespectful to the cook.” If the complaining is becoming more frequent, I bring them into meal planning.
5. No throwing food but you can touch, smell and lick any part of your meal
This one is geared towards toddlers who begin to throw food as they learn cause and effect: “If I throw my meatball, it hits the ground and mom yells!”
It’s important that children learn food throwing is not acceptable. But touching and getting to know your food should be, as it helps children learn about the food’s properties. Even with 6 and 8-year-olds, I encourage them to gather as much information about a food as they can, and touching and smelling is always the first step.
6. When you’re done eating, that’s it until breakfast, so make sure you fill your belly
After dinner is done, and sometimes dessert (with or after the meal), eating is also done. My kids understand this and pretty much never ask for food after dinner. Some very young kids may need a nighttime snack or milk before bed but as kids get older this is usually phased out. You don’t want children holding out for after-dinner eats.
7. When you are done eating, bring your plate up to the sink
With summer and looser schedules, I’ve been focusing on encouraging the kids to help out as much as possible. It’s easy for them to bring their plate up to the sink and it also signals the meal is done. And if they want to clear more plates, by all means, let them.
That’s it. Click here to download the rules PDF.
Any rules I missed?
Posts Included in the Series:
1. 30 Meals in 30 Days Challenge
2. 30 Meals in 30 Days: The Plan
3. 7 Dinner Rules That Will Transform Your Family’s Mealtime/a>
4. The Side Strategy that Saved My Family’s Mealtime [Next]
5. If I Had to Start From Scratch Feeding My Kids, This is What I’d do
6. 6 Kitchen Shortcuts That Really Work (And Why)
7. The Family Dinner Solution Launch Party
Want to see the final product with all the recipes and strategies? Check out Maryann’s book The Family Dinner Solution: How to Create a Rotation of Dinner Meals Your Family Will Love
Love this Maryann- great rules that I set in my house too. Will share 🙂
Thanks Sarah. I appreciate it!
This post is so fantastic, thank you for sharing.
You welcome. Thanks!
Good rules. I agree with #6, but we’ve been having a little problem with it lately: my 3-year-old eats a gargantuan breakfast, a decent lunch, an after-nap snack that he would like to be a whole meal but I tend to limit for the sake of dinner, and a teeny-tiny dinner (like one bite of each thing). Which is a pattern I’m fine with, except that now he’s taken to waking up earlier and earlier – we’re talking 5:30 a.m. or earlier here – because he’s hungry.
Since he seems genuinely starving at that point, but my husband and I aren’t ready to get up, I’ve taken to letting him get himself breakfast items he knows he’s allowed: a banana or other piece of fruit, a hard-boiled egg from the fridge, a bowl of cereal. This is more or less working, except that it seems to be getting earlier and earlier. He always eats sitting nicely at the table, so I’m not so much worried about choking or anything like that.
Do you think that’s a reasonable compromise, or should I be more hardline about when breakfast is – i.e., not until 6:45 when we all get up – to motivate him to realize he needs to eat more at dinner or he’ll be hungry? Actually, looking at what I wrote, another possibility occurs to me: perhaps I should face the fact that afternoon snack, not dinner, is when he’ll actually eat, and size it accordingly. Any advice on which tack to take?
First off I’m impressed that the can do all that himself. But I do think that it could create a habit of just doing it cause he can and not out of hunger. I would either move dinner up and incorporate a later snack or allow him to eat as much as he wants at the afternoon snack. Maybe save the “you can get up and help yourself to breakfast” for the occasions you want to sleep in.
Yes, he is impressively capable. He actually peels the hard-boiled eggs by himself, by the way. But I agree he probably needs to eat earlier in the p.m. The only problem is that while his snacks are pretty healthy snacks – e.g. cheese and grapes or apple with peanut butter – they’re not exactly ideal as a complete meal. But I’m sure I can figure something out. (By the way, we’re reading the “Mary Poppins” books aloud right now and I notice that it seems to have been normal for children to eat “tea” with their nurse rather than dinner with their parents back then – basically bread-and-milk, or cookies and milk, or some other carbs & dairy combo. Perhaps that’s just the realistic way to handle eating late in the day for young kids.)
A quick follow-up: I tried doing a full meal as afternoon snack yesterday, and today he woke up at 6:30 – our normal family wake-up time – thanks for the advice!
That’s awesome Anna! glad to hear
What time do you eat dinner? I would love to implement #6, but we tend to eat dinner anywhere from 5-6 depending on my husbands schedule. When school starts back bed time will go back to 8. Is that too much time without food? The kids usually have a snack before bed.
we eat around 6:30, sometimes 6:45 and the kids go to bed at 8. So if you have a very early dinner and your kids don’t go to bed until 4 to 5 hours later then they’ll need to eat something. As long as you don’t see them holding out for that snack, it should be fine.
These are such great tips! I swear I am going to need a mini you in my pocket whenever I have children 🙂
I have a question about condiment rules. I’ve been torn between what’s normal and what’s accepted. My son loves ketchup and if it’s at the table will end up trying it on other foods that he would accept anyway, but he’s actually done it with foods he probably would not have accepted and at least tried it that way. I love reading your articles! Thanks!
I think it’s totally fine to allow condiments at the table.
Thank you!