I kept hearing about Nurture Shock until I finally bought it one day at the bookstore. After reading the first chapter, I knew I had to review it for you.
NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children will
If you’ve read this blog for a while you know that I like to keep up on the research of feeding and nutrition. This is not because research gives me black and white answers (I wish), but it gives important clues. And as I mention in this article, what seems like the logical thing to do with feeding our kids can have negative consequences. But what about other aspects of parenting? Is the same true?
Nurture Shock reveals new research that not only challenges modern-day parenting practices but question old practices as well. It’ll make you think and second guess some of the decisions you make. Let me show you what I mean:
Praise, praise, praise
How many times do you tell your child “good job” or “you are so smart?” According to the book, 85% of parents do this — all the time! The authors demonstrate with research and stories, how labeling kids as “smart” actually cause them to under-perform and lack confidence as they grow up. (Good thing I was never labeled as “smart.”)
Not making a big deal out of lying
To be honest, I haven’t thought about lying much. Big A, who is 4, will lie to get out of sticky situations, usually involving her little brother. I feel like this is typical and she will grow out of it but this book tells a different story. I was amazed at their stats — 96% of kids lie.
The authors argue that the better — and sooner — a young child can tell the difference between a “lie” and the “truth” the less likely he or she will grow up lying. And simply punishing kids is not the answer because it does not teach them the difference.
Teaching your young child to talk by talking
My son has been much slower to talk than my daughter was. I had always heard that talking to a child was key to getting them to talk. I took this up a notch with my son by using books and overwhelming my poor child.
What I learned in this book is similar to what I have learned in my son’s speech therapy. While talking around a child does help, there are other strategies that help even more. Following their interests with words, responding quickly to every sound that comes out of their mouths and repeating single words over and over. The book offers up intriguing research and tips that I wish I had read earlier.
Keeping kids busy to keep them out of trouble
Many older kids are over-scheduled and busy. They go from one activity to the next with parents or caregivers driving them everywhere. There is the notion that these busy schedules help keep kids out of trouble. While this may be partially true, there may be a downside to all of this activity.
According to the authors, too much time with peers may increase aggression in adolescence:
The average teen spends sixty hours per week surrounded by peer groups (and only sixteen hours a week surrounded by adults). This has created the perfect atmosphere for a different strain of aggression-virus to breed — one fed not by peer rejections but fed by the need for peer status and social ranking. The more time peers spend together, the stronger this compulsion to rank high, resulting in the hostility of one-upmanship.”
Discounting the importance of sleep
The authors point out how kids today get about an hour less sleep than they did 30 years ago. Yet according to one survey in the book, 90% of parents think their kids are getting enough sleep. The authors point to how this lack of sleep negatively affects behavior, intelligence (IQ), memory and weight. Part of the problem: most schools start way too early.
The book also details innovative ways to help preschoolers and kindergartners learn more effectively, the truth about sibling rivalry, why it’s wrong to choose gifted kids too early, how we promote racism by not talking about it, surprising reasons for teen rebellion and many other thought-provoking topics.
This is a great read for parents and not because I believe it is all fact, but because it will cause you to take a closer look at your own parenting. And that is always a good thing.
Anyone else read the book?
I read the book and I too thought it was great. The chapter that really stuck out in my mind was how white parents unintentionally enforce white privilege and racism. The #1 way they do this is by not talking about race. I found it ironic that your review completely omitted this chapter of the book.
Sally — I wrote this review rather quickly and accidentially left that point out. Thanks for mentioning it.
@ sallyjrw … I don’t think Maryann was intending to do a chapter by chapter review … I’m sure there is a lot about the book that was left out. The point was to talk about a good book that others may want to read.
Maryann, thanks for the review … I’ve been meaning to pick up this book for awhile now. You are about the 3rd person who has brought this to my attention and said what a great book this is.
We are bucking the overscheduling trend in our home in favor of more family meals at night (and just more family time in general). I’ve always felt that kids need some unscheduled down time to just be quiet with their thoughts. And, I especially think spending more time in adult company is a good thing.
But having said that … I get criticised for not giving my kids enough activities and playdates with their friends. It’s not an easy thing to go against the trends.
Great review … thanks Maryann !!
Thanks Merri Ann! I’m glad to hear you are making more family time over too many activities. My husband and I always talk about how we don’t want to fall into that trap when are kids get older. I’m sure we’ll have to deal with critics too ; )
I started this book but haven’t finished it. I found it so incredibly interesting to hear that everything we were taught about parenting is wrong! Their findings were based of reviewing lots of the research out there in the last 20 years as well as talking about the latest research. I think every parent should read this book. Your review is reminding me that I need to pull it back off the shelf and finish it! Thanks Maryann!
It’s funny how much sense it makes when you read it. Good luck finishing. I konw this is a book I will continue to re-read. Especially when the teen years approach!
While my daughter is in second grade, I still think this book may be something I should look into. I have put it on my ever growing list of books to read. Thanks for putting a great review out!
Sounds like an interesting book and worthwhile read. Thanks for sharing!
I loved this book. I really identified with the chapter on praise – it helped me realize issues that I have due to my own upbringing! Loved the way it made me rethink my parenting.