I was sitting in the kindergarten introductory class as Little D is supposed to start school next year. My ears perked up when they touched on the topic of readiness because I’m not sure my little guy is ready for this big step. He has been in speech therapy since he was two and he’s still not very interested in learning in the traditional sense. Sometimes it seems he knows his letters and other times he doesn’t. He only traces his name and will only do that at preschool and very rarely at home.
Many of the moms with kids his same age talk about how their child is reading and writing already. These parents aren’t bragging, but it’s obvious that even though Little D will turn 5 in plenty of time for school, he is behind his peers.
Chronological age vs. Developmental age
I got a nice little booklet from the Gesell Institute entitled Ready or Not: Is My Child Ready for Kindergarten? In this booklet they differentiate between chronological age and developmental age:
Research shows us that certain behaviors, language, and intellectual abilities are typically characteristic of and associated with a specific chronological age. A child’s developmental age will indicate where a child is socially, emotionally, physically, and intellectually on this path of development, as compared to typical behaviors and characteristic of that age.
Then they go on to explain something that I think is particularly important, but not stressed enough:
It is important to understand that faster is not necessarily “better” and slower is not bad. The simple fact is that children develop at different rates.”
Except for sports and technology, Little D has always done stuff late, from walking to climbing to talking.
Society favors early learners
I am well aware that we live in a society that values doing things early (and youth and being thin but that’s for another blog post). We do this all the time with kids’ eating. What parent hasn’t seen another child eat everything only to feel their not-so-adventurous eater doesn’t measure up. But they need to remember what is mentioned above — faster is not necessarily better.
The real problem isn’t that kids develop at different rates, it’s that kids get the message that doing things slower means they will never be good at that particular thing. This happens through pushing, labeling and pressuring a child before he is ready.
So we don’t pressure Little D or show any indication that anything is wrong because it’s not. We ignore that voice that says he needs to do it now or else he will never do it.
When you least expect it, expect it
Just as I was polishing this essay up, Little D threw me a curveball. After seeing his sister make some Valentine cards, he said he wanted to make some for his family and friends. I put dots down so he can trace his name and for the first time he made his own D.
He was beaming with pride because he did it. In his own time and in his own way.
What has been your experience with kids doing this early or late?
This topic hits me close to home. I started Norah, now 6, in Kindergarten early. She has a late October birthday so she had to do Kindergarten in private school. She seemed to be doing well and passed her assessment to get into 1st grade at public school, but since being there, she is struggling. She is one of the youngest in the class but you wouldn’t know it talking to her. Verbally she is so strong. But in reading, writing and math she is behind. She just doesn’t have the same love for learning as her peers, yet she would not really fit in with the Kindergarten set, either. If I were to do it again, I would not have started her early in Kindergarten. But, now that she’s in 1st grade, I feel there’s really no going back. She get’s extra help in both reading and math and is working hard to keep up. It’s frustrating for us but she doesn’t seem to mind!
Thanks for sharing Danielle. I know another mom who sent her daughter early and there were some problems but she is doing well now. We met with the principal today and she could go either way. If we send him, we have to know in the back of our mind he might be held back. We also would have to switch preschools to one that offers more in terms of learning (he’s in a play-based one now). I think we are leaning towards waiting since his developmental age has always been younger that his real age — and I don’t see that changing. When did this all get so hard??
My son has a late June birthday and I struggled with this decision as well. But we sent him on time and have not regretted it. At first, I was worried about the social-emotional piece of development, but as a friend pointed out, “He will always be a little shy, no matter how old he is”. My friend was right–and my son also threw us a curveball by making lots of school friends easily. He’s excelling with academics and has a nice little social life. Yes, he’s smaller than the kids who were sent to kindergarten later–and that may be tricky as they enter middle school–but to me, that’s not worth holding him back if everything else is in place. Good luck with your decision Maryann!
Thanks Sally! We wouldn’t be thinking of holding him back if he wasn’t behind. I prefer he goes next year but am trying to figure out what is best for him.
We struggled mightily with the decision on whether to send our son with a July birthday to kindergarten two years ago. We sent him and he did fine socially, but not academically. He went on to first grade as we didn’t see the totality of his academic issues. It turns out he was dyslexic, but even if he wasn’t I wish we would have waited in starting kindergarten. I just think it’s an advantage to be a bit older. We ended up having him repeat first grade.
If I had it do over, I would have waited to send him to kindergarten initially. Holding him back was really hard, but was the right decision given we started him when we should have waited. It’s complicated on many levels though and I think you have to trust your instincts. I also recommend reading Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. Best of luck with your decision. Parenting is hard and you can only do your very best.
Thanks for sharing Megan. Each child really is so different. WE are leaning towards holding back but have some time to weigh the pros and cons. Oh, both me and my husband have read Outliers.
You are right though — parenting is hard. I’m trying to move away from my fear of of making a mistake. You just have to make the best decision you can based on the info you have at the time. We might look back and realize a different decision would have been better but all we can do is our best like you say. Good luck with your son. I’m glad you found out he has dyslexia so he can get the help he needs!
Thank you so much for this perspective. My son is 4 and excels at so many things, but could care less about learning to write. I see his peers interested and learning to write and it’s just not his thing. I don’t push the issue, but do worry a little. I will now push the comparing and worry from my mind. Thank you for the reminder that he’ll do it when he’s ready and interested.
Our twin boys are only 18 months, and with a September birthday I think we’ll wait to send them to Kindergarten until they’re almost 6. They walk and run and climb all over the place, but have basically not spoken any real words yet. I keep wanting them to talk like their cousins (admittedly a bit older) and it’s hard to remind myself that they’ll get there in their own time.
The unique developmental path of each child is one of the many, many reasons we chose to home educate our children.
They can run ahead in any area they are comfortable with and they can take their time with those they are not.
And all without the pressure of being at least “average” across the range of skills – emotional, social, physical and intellectual – or risk being labelled as developmentally delayed in some way.
So I agree that earlier is most certainly not always better – and there are plenty of studies to support this – but when the child is ready there will be a blossoming of skill. Just like when kids learn to walk or talk – they’re doing all the work but it’s not always visible to us until suddenly they decide to stand up or string words together.
BTW, I came across your blog via The Huffington Post article on mealtime battles. Definitely sound advice that we need to be mindful of in this household.
Thanks! I can see the benefit of homeschooling but unfortunately that is not an option for us. Much of what you says applies to eating too. Kids may seem like they are resisting trying new stuff but then when they are ready it happens. Thanks for you insight!