I recently talked to a mom who has struggled with her son who eats few fruits and vegetables. I could see the guilt written on her face. She a good cook and a healthy eater. Her other child eats more of a variety. And even though her son is gradually expanding his food base, it doesn’t matter. The little voice telling her she could’ve done something more is winning and I hate to see that.
This got me thinking about the guilt that rears its ugly head in my household sometimes. Like how Little D thinks a gourmet meal is a hot dog bun dipped in ketchup. Shouldn’t I, a dietitian who specializes in feeding, have a kid who at least fills his bun with some protein?
(that’s the guilt talking, not me)
Power in Numbers
I’m writing this because I know that if I feel this from time to time, you might be feeling it too. And I think it comes down to this: There are a lot of expectations with feeding kids today. And quite frankly, some of these expectations just don’t align with reality.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy if you are completely satisfied with the meals you make and that your kids eat just the way you want — both in terms of quantity, quality, and food choices outside the home. I just don’t think that’s how it plays out in most households.
Did we eat perfectly when we were kids?
When I talk to parents drowning in guilt, I usually ask how they ate as kids. Often they admit to being picky or liking sweets a lot or simply eating the way many of us did in the ’70s and ’80s (this article nails it).
Despite this, many of them developed a taste for good food as they got older. My lightbulb moment was when I learned how nutritious food made me feel during college. I really didn’t expand my liking for ethnic food (beyond Italian and Mexican) until I moved to New York much later. This top LA chef admits to having been a picky eater despite a mom who could cook. But he not only learned to appreciate food, he also became downright obsessed with it.
None of this means we should fill our cabinets with low quality food or that we can’t help kids develop a taste for good food sooner (we shouldn’t and we can). But it’s also important to remember that we, too, had different tastes as children that gradually changed over time. And when you think about it, it’s hard to figure out what you want without experiencing at least a little of what you don’t want.
Taking control of what we can and letting go of the rest
When I’m feeling unhappy about anything in life, 9 times out of 10 I’m trying to control something I can’t. We can’t control our children’s food preferences, their appetite, how their body turns out or what they choose to put in their mouths from what we serve. But we can control the food that ends up in the house, when and where it is served (see Ellyn Satter’s DOR), how we eat ourselves and how pleasant — or miserable — we make the whole experience.
We live in a social media society where everyone puts on their best face, leaving people with the impression that things are supposed to be good all the time. And the only way to put the kibosh on the guilt this produces is to share experiences that aren’t so picture perfect. Then we will realize that we are not only not alone, we are normal.
Do you feel any guilt for the way your child eats?
This is a timely post for me because I’ve been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt about how my almost-3-year-old eats. We follow the DOR in our house and have been mostly since she’s been born, and for the most part it has been a blessing to not experience the food battles and stress you see other parents having with ‘picky’ eaters. I was proud when the pushing away of food and screwing up her face became a polite, “No tank oo!”
But still, when fruits and veggies are offered at pretty much every meal and snack, we try hard for a variety and try to ensure there are 1-2 items she likes with meals, do not comment on her eating, etc., it’s frustrating that she won’t branch out and try more and it feels like I am not doing enough to she gets variety. Bread and crackers, bananas, hummus, smoothies, milk and sometimes pasta are what she likes to eat, at least for now.
The DOR makes sense to me logically and has the research to back it up, and that’s why I follow it. And lately she has been branching out and licking, tasting and playing with things she would not touch previously (yay). So while I know logically I can’t control what she eats but can only provide the food, when the maple-glazed tofu she loved last week gets passed up this week, I feel like I should be doing more to press her to eat it.
It doesn’t help when other people seem surprised by how I handle certain things, like allowing her dessert at a family gathering even when she’s barely touched her meal, or not insisting she eat vegetables before getting bread. I stick to my guns and do NOT want food to be a big deal, but it’s hard sometimes. Sorry for the long comment but touchy subject for me right now! 🙂
I totally understand how you feel. And I have to say 3 was the toughest age in terms of feeding both my kids. Their growth really slows so they are really not that hungry and can take or leave meals. I think that’s awesome she is showing more of an interest in foods by touching and licking them. I can say, with a child turning 8, that the benefits of DOR show more and more as my child gets older. I remember a mom writing into me when she was about 4 and it sounded just like Big A but she the control route and meals were a battle and her kids eating suffered. It made me realize how much worse things could be.
Hang in there. You are doing great!!
I feel very much in the same place, like I’m the only dietitian whose kids don’t eat vegetables (thankfully tons of fruit). They do eat some but my three year old has been eating almost none, not even one bite most meals, even after helping grow them. What worries me more is that his 19 month old brother tends to eat what he eats and stops when he stops. He did enjoy an experiment of trying carrots (his least favorite) cut in different ways. Glad to know three specifically is a tough age. Thank you!
I’m curious how it’s going now Suzanne. My now 4 year old likes most vegetables again!
My daughter is 3 and a half now and things have improved – a little! She will eat a few more veggies in a soup form, like carrots and squash, and is continuing with a small taste or lick of things. She is also a bit more open to suggestions, like when I suggested the red grapes taste like the green grapes she already enjoys. Slow going but good to know that three is a bit of a tricky age. And it’s encouraging that your son likes more veggies now! 🙂
You could have been writing this to me today. My youngest (6yo) is a very picky eater. I have a love of cooking, a degree in nutrition, and a child who doesn’t care. He is healthy and growing (perfectly appropriately, according to our doc)
Our biggest issue seems to be control. He will eat nothing at dinner, then go in later and fill up on granola bars, crackers, tortillas, anything but what we cooked.
Have you tried having a kitchen closed rule after dinner? This is what we do.
I have 2 grade school children who are picky and what makes it worse is when you have a child who is overweight. I have 1 child who is very lean and 1 who is chubby…I’ve noticed that I dont feel as guilty about what my leaner child prefers to eat. We really keep very little, if any, “junk food” so I know they could be eating a lot worse. Thanks for the article
Thanks for your comment Ashlee. I wrote this a while ago and it addresses two different kids http://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2010/01/ask-the-dietitian-my-child-is-overweight-should-i-feed-him-differently/
I listened to a podcast yesterday and my biggest take away was that it’s not my job to make my kids eat the food…only to make it and serve. It’s their choice. This takes the pressure off of me and puts the power ball into their court. With my oldest I only served food she liked…not healthy whole food. I am now fighting an uphill battle to get her to eat good things but slowly she is adding foods to her “will eat” list.
Jessica — it does take the pressure off! It sounds liek things are going well. With time, patience and guidance (not control) kids learn to eat a variety on their own. Its just each kid has their own timeline!
Yes, I feel guilt for the way my toddler eats. She is picky sometimes and we can’t force her to eat food she doesn’t want to eat. It’s hard to not be a short order cook, even though before having kids I swore we’d never do that. It’s easy to think you know everything about kids until you actually have one! And we don’t cater to her most of the time, but it’s hard to send a toddler to bed when they haven’t eaten much. I’m an RD and feel like I should at least be able to get the correct nutrients into my kid. But she’s a little person with her own likes and dislikes. It’s a challenge.
Does she say she’s hungry? Is there one or two things at the table she likes? Toddlers tend to eat little at dinner because they have little tummies. I can attest that their appetite goes up as my almost 8 year old eats quite a bit now but often ate little at dinner in her toddler days. Hang in there!
She does say she’s hungry. She’ll point to the fridge (where the fruit is), or the pantry where she knows the Cheerios are. She’s really not a bad eater compared to what I’ve heard from other parents. She loves fruit and cereal. We try to incorporate foods we know she likes into each meal so she has options but doesn’t see us going to get different foods for her once she refuses something. For example, if we’ve made corn as a vegetable (which she has repeatedly refused), we’ll be sure to have a little dish of cucumber for her.
I must be the worst mother. My 2.5yo just relies on milk, every day. I try to offer him what we eat but usually we just get a “No, thank you.” response. Another problem is that we don’t have a regular routine, so when he takes a nap during the day, especially when it’s kinda late in the afternoon, he would stay up till midnight. That means a really late night for me, too. So we sleep till like almost midday, giving me too little time to prepare meals. That also means we don’t usually have breakfast, or if we do, they’re usually fried or leftovers from last night. What I usually prepare is for lunch already or even dinner. And then there’s the stuff I need to do like laundry, cleaning, washing dishes and feeding bottles. Sometimes also, even if I’m the mood for cooking, my son usually cries and whines and wants me beside him that I get too irritated I can’t cook well cuz I get interrupted in the middle and crucial parts of cooking. I don’t like hearing my son crying or whining so either I give in to him or lash out in anger, both of which aren’t good, I admit. I’m always overwhelmed with a lot of things to do and I don’t know where to start. My husband isn’t really a help at all, he works usually during evenings and sleeps the whole day, or if he works during the day, when he comes home he just eat, watch a bit of TV and goes to sleep. He’s under medication so there’s nothing much I could do with that, and he does work hard to provide for us. But most of the time I just feel so alone ion this battle, with no support at all. During his day-offs, that’s when we do our shopping and bring our son to playgroup and do some family time. But during the regular days it’s just like surviving. I’m very grateful that I get to stay at home with my son, but I don’t think I am doing a good job at all.