I recently taught a class to a room full of moms about toddler eating problems. I heard moms complain about how their children were no longer good eaters. The question of the day was “How do I get my toddler to eat?”
There were also some parents worried that their children were eating too much at mealtime. And with all that you hear about childhood obesity, their concern is understandable.
The way to handle both of these concerns is surprisingly simple. Let me show you why.
The responsibility of feeding a child is a two-way street
Ellyn Satter, MS, RD, LCSW coined the term “The Division of Responsibility” and has done a substantial amount of research on childhood eating over the past 40 years. When you apply her theory you’ll find that it solves – and can prevent– many childhood feeding problems.
The idea is that both the parent and child have a responsibility. It’s the parent’s job to decide the “what” and “when” of feeding and the child decides “how much” to eat. Problems usually occur when someone, either parent or child, crosses this division of responsibility
Example 1: Child running the show
Little Charlie insists he gets certain foods at meals so his mom gives in afraid he’ll starve to death. As a result, his diet consists of macaroni and cheese, fries and waffles. The problem? Charlie has taken over his mom’s job of deciding “what” to eat.
If Charlie’s mom were following the Division of Responsibility, she would tell him that even though she takes his requests into consideration, it’s her job to decide what he eats – and he can decide whether or not to eat it. She plans his meals with his food preferences in mind but doesn’t resort to feeding only his favorites.
In her book, Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family: Orchestrating and Enjoying the Family Meal
Example 2: Parent controlling their child’s food intake
In this example, Charlie is eating very little at meal time and his mom says “That’s all you’re gonna eat?” She even starts to make him eat at least half of his plate before he can watch TV or play with his favorite toy. Another example is Sadie, a girl with a hearty appetite. Her mom purposely limits how much she eats because she’s already 90th percentile for weight. When Sadie asks for more her mom says, “That’s all there is.”
In both scenarios, the parent is crossing the line of responsibility by deciding how much a child eats. Why is this bad? Studies show that children tend to eat less when pressured and more when they feel food is scarce. Additionally, you want your child to maintain their ability to self-regulate intake. This is a gift that most adults would die for, to eat when hungry and stop when full.
My daughter has just started eating very little at breakfast. Do I like it? No! I could make her finish her breakfast before she gets her morning dose of Barney but what would that accomplish? She would probably come to dread eating breakfast because of the negativity of being forced to eat. We’d have a morning showdown with her crying and me saying “No Barney today.” Or I could trust that she’s not hungry and will eat her snack 2-3 hours later. She remains pleasant at breakfast and will probably start eating more in a couple of weeks.
So as parents our job is to provide the “when” and “what” of feeding. And when children are left to do their jobs, they relax a little and are more likely to be cooperative because they feel respected.
When parent and child divide the responsibility of eating in this way, it solves most childhood eating problems. And it sure does make life – and mealtime—a lot more pleasant.
Find out more about why children turn picky at toddlerhood and what you can do about it in Maryann’s book, From Picky to Powerful
Photo by Hal Gatewood on Unsplash
brilliant, simple, intuitive advice. i’ve got this flagged to re-read again and again as my daughter gets older. thank you!
great idea. we do similar to this but we do try to get them to eat a few more bites, sometimes successfully sometimes not. I may have to find that book to help me with it more! thank you!
great idea. we do similar to this but we do try to get them to eat a few more bites, sometimes successfully sometimes not. I may have to find that book to help me with it more! thank you!
+1
Great bl0g, it reminds me of what i am doing for the past years when my i and only son is only a baby. Now I have all the Reason to Smile When I Look Back those years pass by.
Great post! Ellyn Satter has paved the way with her insight and research in child feeding behaviors. Ellyn is the number one child feeding expert that I refer to and quote more often to my clients than anyone else!
I like these ideas, but what do you do at dinner or any other meal when your food is met with rejection? the kids won’t even taste the food to know if they like it or not? Just keep dinner going and let the kids be really hungry in the morning? if you don’t have some accountability—will they just figure out that “hey, I don’t have to eat anything my mom fixes and I am not in trouble at all!!”
help please!!!
HI Cheryl,
Thanks for the great question. I recommend parents make sure there is at least one item at the dinner table they know their kids likes/accepts. That way, if they refuse to eat that food it is likely they are not hungry. Some kids have already used up all their calories and by dinner. Studies also show that kids are more likely to try new foods when familiear ones are nearby. You also want to honor your child’s food prefernces and offer dinners they like too (healthier versions). On those nights, you’ll want to offer different sides. So you feed your child’s favorites with newer foods and over time they will try and more foods to their repitore. Encourage them to try new foods in a non-pressuring fashion. Most kids really want to eat more foods, but they are simply scared and need more time. If you haven’t already, check out my picky eaitng series https://www.maryannjacobsen.com/category/picky-eating-series/ and this article for more tips https://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2009/11/how-to-make-family-dinners-more-kid-friendly/
I know it’s frustrating but it’s a very normal part of development. Pressure backfires in the long run.
I really resent that all this info is aimed at, and assumes that it is only the “mother” who looks after and cares for the children’s welfare. How about giving some credit to the dads that now more than ever, look after the kids and household and also hold down a regular job!
Try being more gender neutral or at least acknowledge that many dads are fighting a loosing battle (against their partners) in trying to maintain a healthy and balanced food supply to the kids.
I understand where you are coming from Damian. When I first started this blog I did focus on more on moms but now 100% of the time I say parents (this was one of my first posts). In most cases it is the mom who leads when it comes to food according to research. But dads do help out more and in some cases lead the role with feeding and food. Keep up the good fight and let’s talk more about this on facebook http://www.facebook.com/fearlessfeeding
I am looking for some help (or perhaps reassurance). My son is almost 9-months old and prefers to get his meals from a bottle. I make almost all his food. He’s had all sorts of variety (meats, green and orange veggies, fruits, grains), but still refuses to eat mist of the time and then wants only milk. He has managed to get a few cherios in his mouth, but hasn’t quite gotten the hang of feeding himself, so I continue to try to spoon feed him. He’s on the smaller side, but healthy. I get so frustrated throwing out my nutritious, home-made food and worrying that he’s not getting enough nutrients fro NGOs milk. Any advice as to what age it he may be more receptive to solids? Or insight on what I may be doing wrong. I totally understand that it’s his job to control how much he eats, but does that include not eating solids at all?
Suzanna — it’s not uncommon for babies to not like puree food and go straight to finger foods. You can try to feed more soft finger foods along with puree. If he continues to refuse food the next few weeks, I would take him to get evaluated by a speech therapist or occupational therapist who specializes in feeding issues. See this chart for red flags http://www.spdparentzone.org/picky-eater.php
Good luck!
Damn auto correct 🙂 I meant to say: “…nutrients from milk…”
I like the idea of the DOR but here is my problem…if my son (7 years old) chooses to only eat the salad at dinner, then of course he is hungry before bed. So, I could offer a healthy snack, which he will refuse (he just wants something like goldfish at this point), or send him to bed hungry, which means a big tantrum. Then, he will just make up for it the next morning with two bowls of cereal. We serve pretty healthy cereal, with high fiber and low sugar, but still, in essence he is replacing the dinner food (namely, the protein) with cereal, or, if he has the snack before bed, crackers or fruit or peanut butter. It just doesn’t seem like a varied, balanced diet, and it makes me feel like I am always in the kitchen acting like a short order cook. Suggestions?
Tara — When you give back the responsbility to your child about how much to eat, he will make mistakes. But in no time he will learn from those mistakes and make up for it next time. But if you always take over and don’t allow for consequences, he won’t learn how to manage his own hunger.
The key for the dinner meals is to make sure there are at least a couple of things he likes to eat there. So if he doesn’t eat much, then he must not be hungry. if he knows he will get a snack later, he might just skip the meal waiting for the good stuff. Consistency is key with feeding. It’s also important to remember, it takes tiemf or to eat balanced at most meals and most eat a bit more erratically. Instead of looking at what he eats at one meal or even day, look at the entire week. Most of the time when parents provide a variety of food, it evens out. You could have a fruit anytime rule which means he can always have fruit if he is hungry. Sometimes kids say they are hungry because they want their favorite snack.
Your son is also at the age where he can help make his own snacks and have input on meal planning. Ask him what he would like to eat for dinner during the week and try to work it in. He can start slowly learning some cooking skills as well.
Let me know if you have any other questions!
My child is almost 13 and she will only eat like 5 different items, she gags everytime she trys textured foods, I was a picky eater growing up but have now learned to eat different stuff. She will not eat any vegtables or fruit. What can I do to get her to eat? Thanks for your help.
Hi, My daughter is at her wit’s end her son Joshua takes ages to eat his meals sometimes an hour or longer it’s a constant hurry up without too much pressure, now he has started school and staying for dinners sometimes he eats or trys a bit but never finishes a meal plus he only has a certain amount of time to eat at school, does she feed him of an evening, how do you go about this problem, it’s very big worry for her, thank you please reply,
How is his growth?
I like the Division of Responsibility rule. It sounds logical. But is it applicable to kids with low IQ? My daughter (who has Down Syndrome) takes a long time to eat and my husband is of the opinion that we parents should control how much she eats. I feel she is capable of sensing if she has had enough. Please advise. Thank you.
But what if your almost two year old REFUSES to eat anything …except yogurt? My LO won’t eat ANY table food. He throws it all on the floor!
Might be time for an evaluation…check out this post https://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2013/08/the-nagging-question-every-parent-of-a-picky-eater-asks-part-2/
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Ridiculous.. lol.. i grew up when you ate what was on your plate as did nearly everyone i know, small town. Nearly all of us are a healthy weight and love a huge variety of foods as adults even if we hated them as kids. Do you not see the huge problem with young adukts and teens these days, suicides, ant hold jobs, throw fits because they cant handle a lick of pressure.. making your kid eat a well balanced meal with the family hardly seems like punishment.. new age parenting is clearly equaling weak young adults.