Every day Maria served her 5-year-old son the same old thing for lunch. While it was decently healthy — a turkey sandwich with some fruit — she knew his variety was lacking.
Every time she tried something different he threatened her with ”I won’t eat it.” Working out of fear, she resolved herself to making turkey sandwiches.
What Maria didn’t realize was that her son was holding her hostage when it came to food. He threatened not to eat certain items and she gave in. The result? This kid was allowed way too much control over what he ate and his picky eating was getting worse, not better.
4 words that make kids rebel
Most kids start out life eating what we give them — and once they transition to finger foods it’s even better, although messier. Take them to a restaurant and just chop up what you’re having. Steam some veggies, cut them up, and watch them go at it.
This is bliss for any parent.
Around the age of two, but sometimes not until they are a bit older, when growth slows and kids become more mentally aware, they get selective and start refusing some of the food that is offered — and it drives parents crazy.
This is when many of the food battles start. Parents often respond to kids saying they don’t want to eat with 4 words: “Oh yes you will!” Often followed up with, “or else you won’t get X.” And often X is some food that they really want to eat.
This makes the mealtime dynamic a hostile one — and kids naturally rebel. Eating no longer becomes about hunger, fullness, and enjoyment but who will get their way. The struggle for power is constantly in play — and nobody wins.
5 words that keep kids and parents stuck
Parents instinctively know food battles are not good — and may give in to their child’s demands. So in this case, instead of fighting with their child, the parent responds with the 5 words: “What else do you want?”
Or in other cases, the parent may stop offering new or previously refused foods and simply makes items that they know their kid will eat. This gives children little opportunity to expand their palate — and it leaves both the parent and child stuck.
So what’s a parent to do?
6 words that get kids eating (or at least changes the dynamic)
When Big A isn’t happy with the meal or snack I’ve prepared she sometimes tries to hold me hostage.
“I won’t eat that,” she says. And I say six words that instantly change the dynamic: “You don’t have to eat it.”
This usually calms her down, reminding her she has some choice in the matter. And if she’s hungry she’ll eat at least something of what I’m offering.
Honor kids’ food preferences without catering
As I’ve written before on this blog, you don’t have to choose between foods your kid likes and foods they don’t like. You can provide both and make everyone happy.
Children do better with eating when they feel like their food preferences are being honored. But this is very different from catering to them. Let your child know that you will provide the foods they like throughout the week but that you will also be serving other foods.
When Big A wants (shall I say demands) cereal every morning I tell her that “we don’t eat the same thing every day, but we’ll have cereal again soon.” And then I remind her that she gets to decide whether or not to eat it.
It’s important to remember that without a bargaining chip, a child can’t hold you hostage. The truth? Kids don’t have to eat the same amount (or at all) at every meal — this is the biggest myth around.
Bottom line: when it comes to feeding, take control of what you can — the food that is offered in a pleasant environment — and let go of the rest.
How do you deal with it when your child tries to hold you hostage?
Want more guidance on feeding kids? Check out Maryann’s book From Picky to Powerful: The Mindset, Strategies, and Know-How You Need to Empower Your Picky Eater
I am feeling pleased that we do all those things already with our picky girl! We have told her over and over that the foods she doesn’t care for will be on her plate, just like they’re on everyone’s plates, but she doesn’t have to eat them.
How do you deal, though, with a kid who is completely refusing to try new foods and gets downright anxious about it? We do a lot of “gradual introducing” – taking a food she likes and making small changes over time to make it into something she does like. For example she liked fish sticks, and she liked plain pan-seared/sauteed chicken and pork chops. I was able to get her to do plain pan-seared fish this way. And with a lot of ketchup. But there are some things (like plain cubed cheese, or lunchmeat, or most fruits) that I can’t get her to go for and there’s not much of a way to gradually introduce them.
Anyway, that’s how she holds me hostage!
Terri — do you mind me asking how old she is?
Terri — I think some kids are simply late bloomers which I talked about in a previous post https://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2010/05/picky-eating-part-2-how-to-pinpoint-your-childs-eating-personality-and-why-it-helps/
These kids can go long periods without trying new foods but eventually will start. I think the key is patience and continued exposure. These kids often take any encouragment as pressure (I know because I have a late bloomer). I’ve seen this with my nephew who was the pickiest kid on the block and now, at age 8, is much more willing to eat a wider variety of foods. Most of the experts I’ve talked to said age 6 is a time when kids stop being so rigid with food but that age can vary. Hang in there!
Hey, Maryann and readers,
Over the weekend, I put together a little nutrition website where you can find out how many calories are in over 1000 different common food items. All the data is from the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion, so it should be 100% accurate. It’s early days, yet, so the site is pretty basic, but I think it’s useful.
Anyways, I was wondering if — assuming you find the site useful — you could give the site a shout out on your blog or even just on something like twitter. It would be super helpful.
I figure — worst case scenario — I’ve helped a couple people make an informed eating decision and — base case scenario — I’ve helped a couple thousand do the same thing.
Great post, and such a critical message for parents to hear. More and more, the parents I talk with, and the clients I work with are finding this approach, and the Division of Responsibility in general, great help in feeding their kids. Thanks for continuing to share this positive message!
Thanks Sam. I appreciate it!
This is very timely for me. I am feeling very much held hostage. My kids do have too much control. They are still both willing to try new things, but rarely do they like them. My oldest just ate a mushroom and decided she liked it and added it to her pizza. My younger was looking in the pantry and pulled out a box of barley and asked what it was. She asked me to make it for dinner so I did and she liked it. Yay. I only ever put barley in soup – but I guess I can try it as a side dish similar to pasta or rice. The problem with them both is that they are not wanting to eat meat anymore but they are not interested in the other options available. I need to just go back to the Division of Responsibility and put new things on their plate to try along with something I know they’ll like. And just give it time.
Goodfountain — I understand how hard it can be. As parents we just want our kids to eat well, end of story. When I find myself getting off track I always recommit to DOR — and creatively planning meals Big A likes while exposing her to new foods. Not always easy. The better I meal plan, the better the week seems to go.
Hi Maryann,
I’m glad you were not too tired to write this article! This is exactly what I’m in the middle of with my (just turned) 4 yr. old son. I am SO guilty of giving in to his demands. I try to follow the DOR and tell him he doesn’t have it eat what is available, but his behavior is very difficult to deal with at times. Most nights he goes to bed having eaten only a roll for dinner. I am the mom who has been feeding him a turkey sandwich for way too long and have not varied his meals and snacks in order to avoid the melt downs. Now that I’m trying to change things, when I do honor his preferences, he gets upset if he can’t just have more of that while not trying the other (say, fruit or vegetable). Your article came at a great time and has inspired me to stay focused and not give up. Thank you!!
Thanks for your comment Marla. I think it’s okay to allow your children to have more of the food they want, even if they haven’t tried the other items. The key is exposing them and giving them the chance to try the food — and eventually eat it. Once you stay consitent with feeding the beheavior tends to get better.
Good luck!
Thanks for a nice, low-key article on dealing with picky eaters. Your advice sounds very similar to that of Ellyn Satter’s in “How to Get Your Kids to Eat…”. Another piece of her advice I employ every day with my 7-y-o: he has to try a taste of everything (even if he has tasted it before), but he never has to swallow anything he doesn’t want to. Because there is a world of difference between tasting something and forced consumption! That has been one of the keys to expanding his diet as he overcame a severe feeding disorder.
Mine is 21 months and just getting into making food choices (i.e. cereal for dinner). But we’ve found that if we leave the main course or other unwanted item out in a non-threatening way, once she’s gotten past the worst hunger and we tell her “no more”, she’ll usually finish off the rest of her plate. And thankfully, she does eat almost anything…just not necessarily all the time.
Great piece. I was having this conversation on FB the other day with a friend who has young kids. She was lamenting that meal time was a nightmare. My advice was simple “if they’re hungry enough, they’ll eat it”. I never forced my kids to eat everything on their plate (though if they weren’t hungry enough to finish, surely they weren’t hungry enough for dessert) but neither did I ever cook multiple meals to keep the peace. They were also never permitted to say “I don’t like that” until they’d actually TRIED it. We had remarkably little drama at meal time and my kids grew up with a desire to try new stuff. Worked for us.
We have three great eaters! We’ve been feeding them healthy foods from day one and they love all kinds of foods and we’re grateful. I find myself often telling them “you don’t have to eat it”, as you suggested but we are careful not to allow them to get up from the table and ask for a yummy snack 30 minutes later. The one thing that we really had to work on was the “dreaded” veggies. I thought I would share what we’ve done because it might work for others as well. While I’m cooking dinner I will put out an “appetizer” for the kids only. They think it’s great because they’re hungry and they can all eat a snack before dinner. What they don’t realize is that I’m trying to get them to eat the healthiest part of their dinner before the yummy stuff comes out. I’ll give them raw broccoli and ranch, carrot sticks and natural peaunut butter or some cooked veggies. They’ll devour the veggies in no time. A long time ago we would fight with them to eat their veggies but now they have grown to appreciate them and will eat them whenever they’re out. Other things we’ve done is included the kids in meal preparation. My daughter hated eggs until her older brother 7 started making his own now she is asking for them because she wants to learn how to make them too. Another thing we do is “run out” of things like CEREAL for instance. When we’re out the kids are forced to eat fruit, ww toast, oatmeal, and eggs for breakfast. Much better options for starting a healthy day. We’ve also discovered that our kids can down a spinach salad in 4 bites if we practically mince the spinach. They don’t love it but they understand it’s good for them and they’re willing to eat it chopped up and with dressing. I LOVE this website! Thank you so much for your articles and suggestion!
I have a 5 year old that only wants to eat chicken nuggets, corn dogs, hot dogs, and chips. My husband and I have tried to get her to sit and eat what we are eating, but she sits there and screams and cries until she is almost choking and sick. I dont know what to do to get her to eat other things. Now here lately when we ask her to try it, she will say no and not eat at all. The longest that has gone on is three days and Im extremely worried. Is there anything I can do to help her?
Heather, I would get your daugther evaluated — in about 10% of kids picky eating has an underlying condition whether it be sensory issues, GI problems or behavioral. Go to your pediatrician and get a referal. Good luck!
For more on selective eating, another potential problem, see this article https://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2010/05/picky-eating-part-1-how-to-tell-if-your-picky-eater-needs-help/
Great article! I wish I would’ve started this way with my oldest when she was born. From age 2.5 – 4 she did not eat a single vegetable unless I hid it in food (peas in mashed purple potatoes or spinach and carrot shreds in meatballs), it was awful! Other than her aversion to veggies, her diet was pretty good except very carb-heavy. I finally had enough and got pretty strict. Stage one: I gave her a small amount if her most well-tolerated veggie. Once she ate it, she got a normal serving of a dinner she loved. We contined this for a couple of weeks and expanded her tolerated veggies to three. By the third day she stopped complaining about it. Stage 2: she was given normal servings of veggies and meat, small of carbs. Once she finished her veggies she could have a little more of what she wanted. Stage 3: she was given normal servings of everything. I should add that we all ate the same way with her and we talked about food and eating with lots of positive language. I am happy to report that she eats several veggies almost daily without above-average complaints. We have done similar plans with other things like getting her and her sister to drink more water. It took about 1 month to get through the stages. My next goal is to get her to help with dinner prep.