This is Part 4 of my Managing Sweets Series
There is no right or wrong way to handle sweets and other non-nutritious items in a family’s diet. While research gives us some clues, it does not spell out exactly how to raise kids to have a healthy relationship with food. I hope that by explaining the research, interviewing experts, and presenting real-life stories, I can help you decide what is best for your family.
You can get all the tips in the world but nothing explains the application of advice better than the people who are practicing it. So here are some real-life strategies for teaching moderation by helping kids manage sweets.
Jump Ahead
Strategy #1: Guide Children Instead of Controlling
Bonnie Taub-Dix, MA, RD, CDN is a registered dietitian and author of Read It Before You Eat It: How to Decode Food Labels and Make the Healthiest Choice Every Time.
“I believed in guiding my kids to think independently about food from day one,” she said. “If you don’t teach your children to make healthy decisions regarding food then they won’t be prepared for being an independent adult.”
After being in private practice for three decades, Bonnie has observed that the children of parents who micromanage every morsel of food that goes into their mouths are the first kids to trade lunches and snacks with their friends at school and raid their friends’ candy-cabinets at playdates.
Instead, she said, “It pays to be realistic.” Something she describes as “compromising without feeling compromised.”
She always tried to have her kids understand where she’s coming from instead of presenting things as black and white. And sometimes she used subtlety.
For example, Bonnie always took her kids’ food shopping. One time her son really wanted to try chocolate doughnuts — and was even polite about it, yelling “Please!” She agreed saying, “okay, let’s get them.” Everyone in her house loved these doughnuts. She found an article on the not-so-good nutrition aspects of the doughnuts and left it out on the counter. Her son was like, “Mom how could you let us eat them?”
She never made a big deal about sweet treats and her kids often enjoyed them in the afternoon instead of after dinner. Her philosophy about sweets: “If you don’t make it glitter, it won’t be perceived that way.”
Strategy #2: Don’t Make Sweets the Enemy
When Andy Bellatti of Small Bites sent a tweet thanking his parents for riding out his French fry stage at restaurants, I knew I had to talk to him. Andy Bellatti has his master’s in nutrition and is a pescetarian (vegetarian that eats fish). But he was a kid once and did kid things — like enjoy French fries.
So every couple of weeks when his family went out to dinner he’d order fries. Instead of stopping him or getting him to order something “healthy,” his parents road out the wave. They offered him other food so in addition to his meal he’d take bites of this or that. His French fry fetish went on for two years before it lost its appeal.
“My parents were very relaxed about eating,” he said. “They never projected any food issues or anxieties on me and I never felt denied of any food.”
His parents decided to spend their energy on what counted the most. Andy says his family ate home-cooked dinners most nights with items mostly made from scratch. Because of his mom’s cooking, he has a great appreciation for Mediterranean foods — seafood, legumes, fresh produce, and olive oil. They also had sweets in the house and went out for ice cream once a week.
When he went away to college — where other kids had trouble with their newfound food freedom — he became interested in health and decided to make a career out of it.
Strategy #3: Teach Kids to Savor It
Emily Webel lives on a farm with her husband and three girls ages 15 months, 3, and 5. She follows the feeding philosophy of her 96-year old grandmother.
“She basically taught my mom and her brothers to eat a wide variety of foods, and always enjoy them,” she says. “Lunch was their big meal of the day which included a meat dish (beef, pork, chicken, or fish), some starch (potatoes/bread), a green vegetable, a fruit, and then a small dessert.”
Her mother continued that tradition with her meals but as a working mom could only do so much — so they had dinner together every night and sweets in moderation were part of it. Emily grew up with a healthy relationship with sweets and never felt guilty for eating them.
“My kids eat until they are full, regardless of whether or not the plate is clear, and then we have a small-ish serving of sweet stuff,” she says. “They rarely ask for more, as we talk about enjoying the sweet treat, and savoring it, rather than scarfing it.”
Emily doesn’t want her kids to ever feel as if they have to hide the fact that they like chocolate. She believes too many kids feel ashamed and end up eating three candy bars in one sitting because they don’t know how to truly enjoy it in small, manageable “doses.”
Strategy #4: Create a Flexible Sweets Policy
In my book How to Raise a Mindful Eater, I discuss how we handle sweets at home:
In our family, we have a flexible once-a-day policy. We typically enjoy sweets like dark chocolate, baked goods, and ice cream daily, although on weekends it can be more and other days none. At parties and snack time, kids are free to eat as much as they want as long as they stay at the table. When dessert is after dinner, sometimes the amount is limited if it’s close to bedtime. Now that my kids are getting older (seven and ten), more often than not, they stop on their own. Some families may opt to offer sweets less often, and this can work out fine, too.
So talk with your kids and come up with a regular sweet offering that everyone can feel comfortable with. This helps because kids understand when they can expect sweets, making them okay with the times you say no.
Take-home message
Trying to fight a kid’s natural tendency to love sweets is a battle very few parents will win. But these examples show us that we can guide children to make good decisions, focus on the foundations of a balanced diet at home, and teach children to enjoy and savor sweets as a sensible part of their diet.
Post updated 4/2020
Want more advice and stories on teaching kids moderation? Check out Maryann’s Book: How to Raise a Mindful Eater: 8 Powerful Principles for Transforming Your Child’s Relationship with food.
Thanks Maryann, this is really helpful! Anyone have suggestions on when sweets should be introduced to young toddlers? I have an 18 month old who doesn’t yet comprehend that food options exist beyond what appears on her plate. I don’t want to withhold sweets past the age where she realizes she isn’t getting them, but I also don’t want to give them to her before it’s helpful for her mental/emotional food development.
Megan,
The first 2 years of life children don’t need sweets — they have small stomachs and need a nutrient-rich diet during this rapid growth period. They are also not as aware about sweets and usually don’t ask for them until later. That being said, it’s fine to give bites of this and that. My 18-month son takes bites of our ice cream but I don’t make a point to offer it to him. All in due time!
Your series has definitely gotten me thinking. I have a very healthy relationship with food (my sister and I both do) and I want to pass that on to my kids. So I’ve been thinking about what are the things my mom did right. Things I remember are that she never forced us to eat food we didn’t like, she never made us clean our plate, she didn’t use sweets as a reward, and she definitely didn’t micromanage. I was a super picky eater as a kid and now, as an adult, I’ll eat just about anything (except green peppers).
I’m doing my best to do the same things with my own kids.
Goodfountain — sounds like your mom did an awesome job and so are you. My daughter is really picky to but I just know she’ll grow up to like a wide variety of foods ; )
I’m wiping away tears as I read this. Somewhere along the way, I’m pretty sure from dieting all the time, I developed a horrible view of food and sweetd in particular. Without going into a long story, over the last few months I’ve come to terms with it and due to a recent period of really concentrating on listening to my body’s hunger/full signals as well as a “sugar detox” (no crappy carbs), I’ve come to a place where I realize that I don’t need the sugar all the time. I don’t obsess about counting points or weighing or measuring. My bigges fear was passing on those unhealthy habits to my kids. I feel like I can actually live with the changes I’ve made. Oddly enough, my 1 YO and 3YO are not picky by any stretch of the imagination. The only thing that limits them are their milk and wheat/egg/peanut/tree nut allergies, respectively.
I will say I’m looking forward to caramel apple cupcakes at my daughter’s birthday party next week. Truly a reason to celebrate with a sweet treat!
Good for you Jessica! Have you checked out any of the books on the subject like Intuitive Eating?
Thanks Maryann for the age suggestion, that makes good sense!
I have greatly appreciated this series as well as your other information. However, it is still a perplexing issue. How do you offer but not offer all at the same time?! Like dancing on a tight rope in the air.
The most important thing I’ve learned (for myself and my son) from your posts is that balance is the key. I don’t feel bad or think “this will make me gain weight” when I eat a candy bar or a few cookies during the day because I know I am making the effort to eat more healthy and balanced meals. I am also listening to my body – not overeating and over filling myself for the sake of being stuffed or because something tastes really good. What a difference that has made! I’ve lost 10 pounds in about 5 months and I don’t feel the need to snack as often because I haven’t stuffed myself at each meal. I’m giving my son bites of sweets if I have them when he is around – and he doesn’t seem to prefer them over anything else – he will often refuse after a bite or two. I am focusing more on his cues of hunger and being full instead of worrying about the amount or the variety he has consumed in a meal or even the day. I offer, and he gets to say what and how much he eats.
Things are working well and I continue to use and appreciate your advice – it is helping the whole family, not just the little guy!
Thanks AKeo! Finding that right balance can be tough — and I also struggle with it from time to time — but over time I think it gets easier. My last post in teh series will provide more specific strategies so hopefully that will help.
But most importantly, you are feeling more in control with sweets and that will rub off on your kids. Its hard for parents to trust their kids around sweets if they are having a hard time. So by helping yourself, you help your kids in the proces. It’s a win win. I’m so happy for you!
I have a two year old who loves to eat everything we put in front of her. This series has helped us over the past few months as we have started to introduce sweets, to do it in a way that she hasn’t become obsessed. We have focused on using healthy ingredients in ways that our daughter enjoys eating so the sweets haven’t eclipsed the healthy food we enjoy. The series has also helped us to change the way we eat sweets, we have started to put the emphasis on the taste instead on anything else. Once we started doing that we eat fewer highly processed candies and end up cooking something like pears with balsamic vinegar and topping it with a little vanilla ice cream. Making that change in our eating philosophy has helped us to feel healthier. Thank you for sifting through all of the research and making sense of it for us.
Thanks Simon — I really appreciate that! It sounds like you are enjoying food (and sweets) even more and that is key. Thanks again!
My daughters go CRAZY for sweets. My 6 yr. old always asks for a treat before she has even finished her dinner. I am tired of “fighting” over food and don’t want to make it a big deal. Having a history of Eating disorders, I am trying so hard not to “pass that on”, but I am afraid I’m doing it anyway… Any suggestions?
Kristen — just sent you an email!
I have enjoyed reading your series and realize I have already put some of the suggested practices in place. I have found that by having my kids in childcare, and then having an older sibling for the younger one to follow, sweets became ‘known’ to them at an earlier age. I have also noticed that if I go ahead and add a small sweet to their dinner plate, both girls will go ahead and eat a more balanced meal instead of “holding out” for desert. I have also observed that they will eat what they need. In other words, they may go a few evenings/days of only eating the protein on the plate, then swing to the veggies for a few nights, then eat a little of both. I think they are more in tune to what their bodies need and I am trying to foster that intuition.
I grew up not knowing what a healthy serving size was, but fortunately I don’t have any emotional eating habits. I am working on the portion size at home, and certainly don’t make, or expect, my girls to clean their plate. I get aggrivated at family who gush over how well they ate and how proud they are of the girls for eating what they did. I fear that is putting too much emotion into what and how much is eaten instead of simply enjoying the meal.
I am glad to see more places offering a junior or snack size of the sweet. I am certainly satisfied with the smaller offering as that’s all my craving wanted. I hope that by showing my girls to go ahead, fulfill the craving, and enjoy every bite of that smaller serving they will have a healthy relationship with food.
Thanks Romona! Sounds like you are doing a great job at home. It also bothers me when people call my kids “good eaters” because they finish their meal. It really is ingrained in our culture. Hopefully that will change!
For my kids sake, having friends who also read your site! I did not put my name. But you have helped me in the past with this very issue, and yet it still rears it’s head at times! I think I was raised with a pretty balanced view, sweets were allowed, but not a very frequent thing, and honestly in my memory, never a big deal to me. I have one preschool age child who likes an occasional cookie, but sometimes doesn’t even finish it, and is the same way with pretzels or anything else. We have no requirements to finish all and this child will seem to eat a lot one day, little the next, has food jags, but we’re not concerned. My other child thinks, talks about, draws food ALL the time and has since 18 months. This child rarely ever claims to be full, and LOVES to eat, though a totally normal weight. The concern is with sweets, there seems to be absolutely no internal limit. When we have given freedom to have all that is desired, e have been shocked by what is consumed. I am wondering if there is a small % of children who really are missing the internal shut-off, or perhaps have such a strong emotional tie to eating that they are in a different category with regards to feeding.
Sorry this got so long! I appreciate your wisdom so much!
I just sent you an email. Yes, some kids are more proned to developing emotional ties to food. Professional help can get you some answers for your unique situation.
I’m curious about your answer to the last comment. What might be underlying a child’s preoccupation with food IF there is no pressure or restriction around food in the home?
There could be a variety of reasons for food obsession. It could be that a child isn’t offered foods they like very often or that their diet is too low in fat. Some kids find food more rewarding and may be more likely to eat when bored, upset or when foods is used a reward. Studies also show that even though parents don’t see themselves as pressuring or restricting sometimes kids take it that way. So it’s key to look at what a parent is offering, how they are doing it and the stage of development. We discuss this at great lengths in our book Fearless Feeding http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/111830859X/?tag=wwwwileycom-20
Thanks so much for these posts which I am going through at the moment.
Do you think that a child can be ‘turned around’ so to speak by becoming more relaxed about food? I’ve been too controlling I think, but didn’t know any other way of dealing with it. It’s a huge issue that rarely we as parents have access to proper advice.
My son 5 and a half is OBSESSED with sweet stuff, dairy (which we limit) and my other with bread (limit gluteny stuff too!) Aaaah! I’m a bit of a health nut anyway, but with a hidden unhealthy relationship with chocolate (organic doesn’t mean its ok to scoff it!).
Anyway, my 5 year old guzzles cheese at grandmas house, and sweet things when he gets the opportunity. I want to be more relaxed about sweet stuff but don’t know where to start really. Do I offer peanut butter or jam (fruit only stuff which is yum!)? He also used to drink cows milk until I read a lot of negative stuff on it, and now the kids don’t drink it at all.
I can see that limiting foods is making my kids go crazy for them, but I don’t know how to turn this around. I wouldn’t normally have sweet stuff available in the house, so I suppose I don’t see why I should bring it in to get my kids hooked on it… sugar is now known to be addictive + to lower immuity so I think surely its hard for kids to moderate?! These are my barriers to being realxed about it! Should I offer a day of the week when we have sweet stuff (my sister does sweetie saturday) or is this putting glitter on the sweet stuff?
I am so relaxed about their lives in so many other ways but I guess I don’t trust them to make the right choices (perhaps because I can’t trust myself and I’m relecting this on them?!)
I am agonising over this topic at the moment because I just don’t understand how to be relaxed about sweet stuff when I know it’s not good for their developing bodies! Help!
Terri — You should know that food addiction is still a theory and not all health professionals are on board with it. And if it exists only on a physiological level, it’s only in a small portion of people. Most studies have been done with animals and people who are obese. But there are plenty of psychological reasons people act addicted to food and that includes dieting, restriction and feeling guilty/bad for eating such foods. In my book Fearless Feeding, we show parents how to fit sweets into a balanced diet. We also have a chapter for adults that might help you as it sounds you are somewhat conflicted about food or you can try books like Intuitive Eating.
The reality is sweet foods are everywhere so it makes sense to teach children how to eat them and not feed in a way that makes them fixate on them or eat in the absence of hunger. Here are some articles/resources that might help you:
http://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2014/04/got-a-food-obsessed-kid-research-warns-dont-restrict-them/
http://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2015/01/why-i-made-the-switch-to-serving-dessert-with-dinner/
http://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2011/02/managing-sweets-part-6-10-strategies-for-ending-kids-sugar-obsession/
Terri,
Our culture breeds so much fear in us about so many foods. If you are a health-conscious person, sometimes, I think it is easy to put too much weight on a child’s love of something that isn’t the most nutrient packed food on earth. I would really carefully consider whether this stuff you fear your children love is really as horrible and damaging as you think it is. As a dietitian with small kids, I happen to believe it is not. Not in the grand context of things. I serve sweets/desserts in the same way as Maryann (see her latest blog entry on the 15th) and it works well in my house.
Also when you are health conscious in our current culture, it is easy to see a child’s love of bread as “obsessed” when it is just a normal favorite food of kids. I grew up in a European culture where bread was served with everything. My grandparents ate bread with watermelon, bread with grapes, bread with potato dishes. They weren’t obsessed they were not overweight and they have not had any food based health issues. My guess from experience (as a bread lover, mom, and dietitian) is that your son is not obsessed with bread. He just really enjoys it and he probably prefers to eat mainly bread at some meals (ignoring the other options served). You get nervous and perhaps comment on it or restrict the bread servings or serve it less often. And that just makes the bread MORE attractive and it might seem like ‘obsession’ when it’s just a normal response to eating a little more of something when it is not served very often.
Hi Maryann,
I realize this article was posted years ago, but I’m just now stumbling onto it. I hope the comment finds its way to you. I have a daughter who is almost 8 and is crazy about sugar. I appreciate everything I’ve read so far on your site, but an issue I haven’t seen addressed that really makes things hard as a parent is that sugar is offered everywhere and by everyone we know. For example, at my son’s baseball game last week one of our friends’ grandparents bought all the girls Icees. That would have been fine in isolation, but then the next place we go it’s fruit snacks and the next place it’s candy and the next it’s ice cream. When my kids were toddlers I was the main person giving them food, but the more activities we participate in and the more social outings we attend, the harder it gets. I think it’s a great idea to have dessert at home with dinner every day, but how does that work when so much of our kids’ lives take place outside the home?
Hi Katie. I’ve written alot more since then including a book entitled How to Raise a Mindful Eater. In one of the principles, I lay out strategies for teaching kids how to handle these foods in the environment. For example, developing a flexible sweets policy is imortant. You can work with them to decide when to have something offered or save it for later. This is key because when they are on there own these foods will be everywhere. If you are a subscriber, I offer free 15 minute consults and longer ones if you buy a book. You can contact me at raisehealthyeaters@gmail.com. Good luck!