This is Post 7 in a collection of posts related to my book Fearless Feeding. After I wrote an article for the NY Times, I was asked to come on Good Morning America!
It’s been a roller-coaster ride since last Friday when my post on the NY Times Motherlode blog went live. Come Monday, I found the Daily Mail had picked it up with their own twist on the story. It seemed from the comments that people were either with me or against me. Ouch.
Then Monday after around 1:30 I received a call from a producer at ABC saying they wanted to come to my house and film my family eating and interview me about my feeding philosophy. I almost passed out when I heard it was going to air on Good Morning America!
After I scrambled to prepare, they came the next day right before lunch. I made some grilled sandwiches, salad with fruit and some veggie options. I showed them how I do meals family style, placing food on bowls/platters and letting my kids serve themselves. It’s funny, they filmed for over two hours and end up with a segment that is about 2 minutes. (Click here to see the segment).
The next morning our family got ready to see the show and right away I realized the messaging wasn’t in line with what I recommend. “The mom who lets her kids eat whatever they want.” Well, yes and no. The segment was short, which I knew would happen, and following it a parenting expert was shown disagreeing with me, based on things I don’t even recommend. When it was over, I felt the whole message of overriding kids hunger and fullness cues with practices like “clean your plate” were lost.
So I wanted to set the record straight. I’m not the mom who allows their kids to choose the menu and dictate meals and that’s not what we recommend in Fearless Feeding. Of course, I consider my children when planning meals but they know I’m in charge. The idea is once the food is at the table, in line with Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility, they get to decide what and how much to eat. My children are used to a regular rhythm of eating and rarely ask for food between meals. And I balance all foods so my kids see mostly nutritious, whole food items with sweets and fried foods less often (but they are certainly not restricted).
One thing I kept saying during the interview is parents need to think about what their feeding practices are teaching their children about food.
If they need to dictate how much food their child eats, what does that teach the child about listening to their body and trusting himself?
If they insist a child eat certain healthy foods when the child doesn’t want to, what does it teach the child about the desirability of nutritious items?
If they frequently use dessert as a reward, what does that teach children about the role sweets play in daily life?
If they stock their cabinets and fridge with certain types of food, what is that teaching children about what is eaten and how often?
If parents cater to children, what does that teach their child about their ability to move along food acceptance?
If mealtime is a battleground, what does that teach children about the role food plays in their lives?
In his beautiful essay, George Joshnowitz describes what he learned about food growing up and how it stuck within adulthood (he was a skinny kid):
“I am no longer a boy, but I certainly eat. Even when I am full, my hunger remains unsatisfied. Years of pressure damaged my body’s natural signals. Years of education taught me not to waste food. I know, consciously, that eating what you neither need nor want is wasting it. My conscious mind, alas, is too weak to overcome my conditioning.”
I’m grateful that this has ignited a much-needed conversation about how to feed kids. It’s all about building awareness of how feeding kids today affects how they will eat tomorrow.
If you watched the segment, what did you think? Why do you think it’s so hard for parents to trust their children around food?
Posts Included in the Series:
1. Announcing the Fearless Feeding Movement
2. The Only Guarantee I Can Make About Your Child’s Eating
3. Did You Make This Feeding Mistake the First 2 Years?
4. Expert Interview: Lucy Cooke, Ph.D.
5. The Feeding Strategy Every Parent Needs in Their Toolbox
6. Fearless Feeding Release Party!
7. The (No) Clean Plate Mom Comes Clean
8. Fearless Feeding 5 Years Later [Podcast] [Next]
It’s here! The most ambitious feeding book of our time: Fearless Feeding: How to Raise Healthy Eaters from High Chair to High School
The users of the Feeding Your Kids program often comment on the division of responsibility being one of the most counter intuitive parenting principles. One of the difficulties I can identify is that a parent has two objectives, one is to feed the child with nutritious food right now, and the other is to raise a healthy eater who is exposed to a wider range of food and is able to make better food choices and control portions. It is hard to see how nudging your child to eat or eat more right now sabotages the long term outcome. As far as the TV segment goes, it is unfortunate how they have to simplify an issue and make it a controversy to deem it worthy for showing. I did not like at all their “expert” trivializing and playing on parents’ insecurities, we will stick with your excellent analysis and advice instead. It may make you feel better that when Jamie Oliver filmed his series on school lunch, the producers were also guilty of following the pattern of simplifying and setting up forced conflicts to allegedly keep the viewer interested. At the end I think it deducts from the impact.
Thanks for your honesty Eszter. It is very hard for parents to follow DOR. This is actually one of the reasons I wanted to write Fearless Feeding. In the book we show parents how to meet their child’s nutritional needs and focus on child development which I believe makes the case for such a feeding style. Often times the pushing that is done, isn’t always needed from a nutrition standpoint. Research continues to show exposure, availability and role modeling are the most important factors in children eating healthy. There are a lot of positive ways to increase daily nutrition without making a child eat — smoothies, raw veggies to quell hunger before dinner and nutrient-rich snacks with no other competing foods. And some kids do okay with little pushes, so knowing your child is key. But making a child eat more when full, in my mind, is sending the wrong message even when its done in the name of nutrition. Thanks for your comment!
Watching that was frustrating. There is so much more you have to say and they didn’t represent what you believe at all. I don’t like the overall all tone from their end. But you did great.:)
I love everything you write and I agree with your food philosophy. I believe most people have some food issues and many have eating disorders and it rules their lives. What you are doing, is teaching your children healthy life long habits that will help them to have a healthy relationship with food. Most people don’t have that any more, which is why we have so many problems with food today, in my opinion.:) Considering food is such a huge part of our lives in sustaining us, and enriching our lives we should approach it in a healthy way. Thanks for all of your advice, help and encouragement.
Thanks Jessica. I guess that is how TV goes. Hopefull this wasn’t my last opportunity!
I watched it and I think because I was LOOKING for DOR philosophy I saw it, but you are right, they did kind of make it out like you were letting your kids eat whatever they wanted (in a loose, laissez faire way). And then the ‘experts’ and hosts sort of glossed over the awesomeness of your advice. But I was just THRILLED to hear that little DOR snippet of “Parents choose the food, kids decide whether and how much to eat.” It is unfortunately that media interviews so rarely are accurate when it comes to the message the interviewee is trying to convey. You almost have to act like you’re under arrest and anything you say can and will be used against you 😉
Wow. As a long-time reader of your blog, an even longer-time follower of Ellyn Satter’s work and mom of a 20-month-old, I am disheartened to see that your philosophy on kids and feeding was completely misrepresented and sensationalized. The overall message of the segment was very unclear and the point of DOR was missed entirely.
I agree with Jessica that there are very few people these days who are truly comfortable with and have a healthy relationship with food…it’s definitely been a long road for me! So many practices, fads and beliefs around food appear healthy (obsessive portion control, calorie counting, ‘clean’ eating) and I believe have good intentions, but are so rooted in fear and distrust of our own nature.
So, as a long-time reader and first-time commenter I wanted to say how much keeping the division of responsibility in mind, and how many of your articles with explanations and tips on how to implement it in different situations, have already helped me in feeding my daughter even at this early stage. We offer a variety of different foods in our house and eat meals and most snacks as a family at the table. Like many kids, she was a great lover of pretty much everything up until about 18 months – then the rejection started! Because of what I’ve learned, it’s been a joy to just enjoy our mealtime and not panic because she eats only bread and rejects her vegetables during a meal (sometimes it’s the other way around!). We’ve already seen how over time, offering different foods (whether grains, fruit, veggies, or meat) in a neutral way with no pressure, and with familiar ones present, often results in her eventually eating them…and if she doesn’t, no big deal. She eats what she wants from what is offered and knows there will be another opportunity to eat soon if she doesn’t take this one. I have the occasional thought of “But you LIKED that yesterday” or “But you need to eat SOMETHING!” but remembering that her experience of the meal and not the quantity of food is most important helps me chill out about it.
Sorry to be a little long-winded, but I wanted you to know I think you’re doing a great job and I really appreciate your blog and practical advice! Looking forward to reading Fearless Feeding.
Thanks so much Suzanne. I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know that. The support I’ve received from everyone has really helped. It reminds me why I write about feeding and family nutrition — and gives me the inspirtaiton to keep on doing it!
I agree with Suzanne, the ABC crew completely missed the point! It wasn’t even about AT ALL letting your kids eat whatever they want, it is about giving them the choice how much. I appreciate your overall philosophy and we are working in our home to be more open to our kids deciding for themselves how much and when they are done and not offering dessert as incentive. Thanks so much!
-Nicole (recovering clean your plate I know better than you do mom:)
I was cringing at their lack of understanding you! As for your question about parents trusting their children, I think it has more to do with “control”. It’s the I’m the parent and you’re the child and you have to do what I say. Eat your peas!
It must be tough to see yourself misrepresented and then attacked for a distorted version of your work. I’m so impressed to see you staying positive about it. You rock!
I am a pediatrician who recently found your website, and I love it and your messages about food and feeding. It is what I am constantly trying to get the families of my patients to understand. I watched the segment and agree that it is sad that they misrepresented you. On a side note I found it interesting that their physician expert that they discussed it with at the end is a gynecologist, not a physician who is trained in the care of children.
You’re spreading a great message. Media always ends up taking good info and misinterpreting it, it’s the worst thing about the field of nutrition! I know your approach works, my kids are 6 and 4 and the 6 year old is an amazing eater now, the 4 year old is a typical four year old and I know he’ll get there!! Keep up the great work!
I am an RD, follow your blog & love Ellyn Satter’s work. I agree with other commenter’s & am HUGELY dissapoined with GMA & how they twisted your philosophy to create controversy. It is sad that in their research for this segment that apparantly no one at ABC actually read your book!! As the mother of a 4yr old with my nutrition knowledge, I do find it hard at times to follow the DOR. We want to make sure our kids are healthy & have the nutrients they need to grow. But if as parents we don’t trust our children to listen to their bodies at a young age I think we are setting them up for difficult future. Not just in food & eating, but I think by showing our children that we trust them to learn & grow based on our example & our teaching it will create a loving, supportive enviroment that will bring them success in all areas as they grow. Not just health & eating. It is disheartening to me as I feel they completely misrepresented what your whole philosophy is. They could have focused more on what foods you were offering & I wish there had been more of the actual interview with you. Sensational media, a sad state in America. I believe in what you do & hope this gives you more opportunities in the media in the future! If some of the of the viewers check out your website b/c of the interview, they will see what you are all about!
Thanks for all of your support and encouraging words…I really appreciate it. I talked to some friends who said this is the norm and that if it can bring more people to the book (which is has) than that is a good thing. But in my mind it means there is a lot of more work to be done. I did a radio interview the other day and was told GMA ran this video a baby who didn’t want to take a bite of something and the parent used a kit kat as a reward (some funny video?). It is such the norm to use food in this way with children, then we wonder why they want sweets all the time.
@Jenna — yeah, I find it interesting that they don’t have someone who really understands the feeding research to comment on kids and eating. I offered both the experts a copy of my book.
Thanks again. All the kind words make me feel so much better!
I don’t typically comment on blogs, but I’ve found your writing to be such a useful guide in navigating mealtime with my toddler, that I wanted to jump in and say thank you! Sorry to see GMA misrepresent you, but please know how much you’ve helped me and my family to relax at mealtimes. And I appreciate the great recipes – my white chicken chili is in the slow cooker right now! (BTW, I add a couple diced peppers and a zucchini to it and think it makes it even better!)
Thanks so much Jen. That is music to my ears!
And this is why I rarely do media anymore. Why be a pawn for their agenda? I just want to comment about the fact that there is no one right way to feed your child, regardless of what the GMA “expert” thinks. Every child learns differently and you have to know what kind of child you have, how she relates to food, and how she relates to you. Some kids love trying new food, some are scared to, etc. I have to present new foods to my 5 year old in a special way to get her to try it. It usually starts with, “mommy loves this but you probably won’t like it so I’m just going to eat it myself.” This drives her crazy and she wants to try it. Is that going to work for every child? Heck no. My only point is that your philosophy works. But it works in conjunction with my parenting style and my child’s eating style. Last night my daughter wanted a Hershey’s Kiss with dinner. I gave it to her. She still finished her peas. They just tasted like chocolate. 🙂
Thanks Danielle! I will definitely ask more questions next time I’m asked to do something. And you are right, we all feed our kids in our own way, and no doubt this changes as they age. I just hope to help parents make informed decisions.
I’m so sorry they ruined your message!! (I was shouting at the screen,no,no,no) I love your weekly updates and have learned so much from you! The post you wrote about your experience on the cruise ship helped me so much — as parents we should always be offering our kids our best expectations — that they can try anything, that they are always learning…food included!
I guess the question is how do you take your complex philosophy about eating strategies and sum it up in a thirty second sound bite.
By the way I loved your server with three sections — those are great choices you are offering!
Congratulations on your book and I hope this really distorted piece doesn’t adversely impact your progress.
Best,
Tricia
Thanks Tricia, I appreciate it! You are right, it is hard to boil feeding down to simple soundbites. And I love my three section serving plate — I have two (one is for the holidays though)
What an encouragement to read all these positive comments! As an RD, it is so wonderful to hear success stories and know that those you work with do well and make changes that improve their lives. The comments above are a great testimony to your work and how your blog is helping others. I love recommending it as a resource to others.
I agree that it’s very disappointing to see your message be distorted, yet I appreciate your positive outlook on all of it! If the segment and continued discussion leads people to your book, and other resources to help them feed their families well, then it’s a win! Stay courageous!
Thanks Sam. As always I appreciate your support. Are you going to FNCE this year? I would love to meet up with you!
It appears that they have taken the segment down, but it sounds like that is probably a good thing!
Please place no value on what commenters on the ghastly Daily Mail say. They are notorious for being about 500 years behind the rest of the world! Things like, “well, back in my day” and “it did me no harm” are what you would expect from this paper.
Thanks. I tried not to look at the comments ; )