• Home
  • Start Here!
    • Subscribe
    • Topics
    • Top Tips!
  • About
    • Services
    • Contact Us!
    • Media
    • Disclaimer
  • Blog
    • Popular Posts
    • Recipe Index
  • Books
    • RD Book Coaching Services
  • Podcast
  • Privacy Policy
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • RSS Feed

Maryann Jacobsen

Independent Author & Family Nutrition Expert

  • Home
  • Start Here!
    • Subscribe
    • Topics
    • Top Tips!
  • About
    • Services
    • Contact Us!
    • Media
    • Disclaimer
  • Blog
    • Popular Posts
    • Recipe Index
  • Books
    • RD Book Coaching Services
  • Podcast
  • Privacy Policy

Want to Reform Your Picky Eater? Take Advice from Buddha

September 24, 2015

Tweet
Pin
Share241
Yum
Email
Share
241 Shares

I was reading about the latest Picky Eater Project (Can Young Picker Eaters Reform? 10 Rules, and a Plan) on the NY Times Motherlode. If you’re not familiar, Sally Simpson and Natalie Digate Muth help a family struggling with picky eaters. A lot of the rules they put in place are sound and familiar: Eat one meal, keep it pleasant, have something at the table kids prefer, get them cooking, etc.

After reading the article, I peaked at the comments. Quite a few parents write about how they do all these things and their kid still isn’t branching out. And I realize the thing that is happening is the thing that is always happening. It’s the thing that makes feeding kids really, really hard.

Our attachment to outcomes

Let’s say you have a family, two parents and a five-year-old, who aren’t having family dinners. Instead, the parents opt to feed their picky son his own meal and then make their own later. When they finally switch to family dinners, they’re disappointed that their son still has a limited menu. After a few months, they inch their way back to the old way, figuring family dinners didn’t work for them.

The problem isn’t that family meals weren’t effective, it’s that the parents were only focused on one outcome: the child eating more foods. Buddha says all suffering is due to attachment, something I see happen with kids’ eating all the time.

This tunnel vision makes it hard to see progress

When we are focused on the desired outcome, we fail to see other benefits that come from what we do. For the story above, the child is now eating dinner with this family without complaints. That’s progress. The child is getting exposed to different foods. That’s progress. The child is feeling their parents believe in his eating enough to invite him to eat with them. That’s huge progress.

In one of the NY Times article’s comments, a parent describes her child as able to cook but still unable to eat a good portion of what she makes. But a child who can cook is an awesome thing, right? I’m sure more experimentation with food will follow, as long as she is not labeled “the cook that doesn’t eat.”

Most importantly, when we focus solely on outcomes, we fail to address the underlying issues causing them. In my e-book From Picky to Powerful, when discussing kids’ eating, I use the analogy of growing a plant. You need the right soil, seeds, and water/sunlight to make a plant grow. But each plant is different, some need more water and others need more sunlight. And some plants grow quickly, while others grow much more slowly. A plant that is slower to grow isn’t a bad thing, it just might need a bit more water and time to flourish. (for signs that picky eating is atypical see this post)

dreamstime_xs_19847574

The how: intention and acceptance

Like any parent, I am vulnerable to this “outcome trap” too. Little D can drive me crazy with his picky ways. I have found that when I find this happening (first sign: I’m miserable), I check in with my intention and how that spills over to my ability to accept his present eating or not.

Let’s say I’m cooking something new and I invite Little D in the kitchen to check it out. I tell him what it is an offer for him to help or just watch as I make it. If my intention is to teach him about food, then that’s what I do. Whether he tries it or not, I’m okay with it because my intention was to teach, not to get him to eat.

But if I do the same thing with the intention of getting him to eat at dinner, he’ll feel the pressure from the get-go. That’s because I exaggerate how tasty the food is, giving him every opportunity to taste it. When it comes dinner time, I remind him again how he helped make it and when he refuses to try it at my request, I roll my eyes.

Which one do you think will have a more positive effect on his eating overtime? Which one better allows me to stay the course and keep things in perspective?

I’m all for sharing stories and advice to help struggling parents but I’m always cautious when I hear words like “reform” or “cure.” Because I want parents to understand that even when they make positive changes, not all kids will react in the same way but that doesn’t mean important learning isn’t going on. One child who learns to cook will want to expand his taste while another stays cautious. Children bloom with food in their own time, so we can’t stop giving them what they need to grow.

For more on how to handle picky eating, check out Maryann’s book From Picky to Powerful.

 

Related Posts

  • a boy stressed while eating bread
    Picky Eating (Part 1): How to Tell if Your Picky Eater Needs Help

    Expert Profile: Diane Keddy, MS, RD, FAED is a Nutrition Therapist and a Fellow of…

  • 7 Ways to Help Your Picky Eater

    Has your eat-everything baby turned into a toddler who has trouble getting through one meal?…

  • How to Get Your Picky Eater to Eat Sushi

    To help fill in while we are on summer vacation, here's a guest post from…

  • The Nagging Question Every Parent of a Picky Eater Asks (Part 2)

    This is Part 2 of my From Picky to Powerful Series Lindsay was enjoying parenthood…

Tweet
Pin
Share241
Yum
Email
Share
241 Shares

Categories: Feeding Toddlers & Preschoolers 13 Comments

« Rice Cooker Quinoa with Veggies [Recipe]
7 Ways to Ensure Your Oven Roasted Vegetables Turn out Perfectly »

Comments

  1. Jessica says

    September 24, 2015 at 11:32 am

    Hi there – I’m a long-time reader and just wanted to say that this is probably my favorite post of yours. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Maryann Tomovich Jacobsen, MS, RD says

      September 24, 2015 at 11:34 am

      Thanks Jessica. Actually, I needed that. I wasn’t sure how this would be received. So thank YOU!!

      Reply
  2. Anna says

    September 25, 2015 at 8:46 am

    Great post – that’s a very good insight, and a helpful one for my family. We quit playing the “two more bites or you can’t have dessert” game a few months back, and I am often tempted to assess the results against the goal of my son eating like a perfect little gourmet, when the outcome I should be looking at is the fact that at least he doesn’t eat any less than he used to but now the dinner table is peaceful. And occasionally he’ll even say “Mom, you should make this dinner again; I love it” – not that he eats more than two bites even on those days, but the positive attitude is progress, right?

    Reply
    • Maryann Tomovich Jacobsen, MS, RD says

      September 29, 2015 at 11:47 am

      It sure is!!

      Reply
  3. Gillian says

    September 27, 2015 at 4:51 pm

    Thank you for this! It puts a whole new perspective on mealtime with my family 🙂 I love that you pointed out how important intentions are when inviting children into the kitchen to cook… I haven’t done that in a long time with my kids because it never helped them eat more food or try new foods. But now I am realizing how important it is just to be exposed to DIFFERENT foods and learn about them, whether they eat it or not.

    Reply
    • Maryann Tomovich Jacobsen, MS, RD says

      September 29, 2015 at 11:48 am

      I think that happens a lot…we don’t see them responding so we stop. But kids are learning and it often takes time for the interest in food part. All kids are so different!

      Reply
      • Gillian says

        September 29, 2015 at 1:00 pm

        Do you have suggestions for kids who REFUSE to try even a sliver of new food? (by “new”, I mean a food that she ate consistently for the first 4 years of life, then suddenly stopped…)

        Reply
        • Anna says

          September 30, 2015 at 8:53 am

          Not Maryann, but I do have a thought that helped me, from Dina Rose’s book. She points out that often we say “Just try a tiny bit” but actually we’re hoping (desperately!) that the kid will like it and eat more, and our kid knows it. He knows it won’t be over after he tries the thing; we’ll proceed to urge him to have more, so he fights even that first step. When I broke myself of that habit, I found my son was much more willing to try things. The change was immediate.

  4. Jenny McGlothlin says

    September 28, 2015 at 9:00 am

    Absolutely agree! Thank you for pointing this out! There is so much more to progress than actually eating, especially for our super cautious kiddos. I tell this to my families all the time and that’s why we spelled out what that progress will look like in a whole chapter of our book. It is so hard for parents to be objective and see the good that is growing if nothing is getting eaten.

    Reply
    • Maryann Tomovich Jacobsen, MS, RD says

      September 29, 2015 at 11:48 am

      Thanks Jenny. Your book is such a great resource for parents struggling!

      Reply
  5. Alice says

    September 28, 2015 at 11:05 pm

    I’m here for the first time. Very interesting post.

    Reply
  6. Megan Wroe says

    September 30, 2015 at 11:01 am

    This is a great post. I am a pediatric RD and this post really sums up everything I try to get across to parents that I work with. It’s always nice to have someone else’s perspective to share in addition to my own =) Thank you!

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Hi, I’m Maryann…

Hi, I’m a registered dietitian who focuses on developmental stages. Here, you won’t get one-size-fits-all advice. Instead, you’ll get information based on your (and your family’s) age and stage. Make your choice between family and midlife-focused newsletters below and subscribe. Find out more!

Recent Posts

  • Heart Health for Women Over 40 Comes Down to This
  • How to Diet-Proof Your Daughter with Amelia Sherry [Podcast]
  • Yes, Every Midlife Women Should Take a Multivitamin (And Here’s Why)
  • 10 Signs Intermittent Fasting Doesn’t Live Up to the Hype
  • What do the Latest Vitamin D Studies Really Tell Us?

Random Posts

  • The Nagging Question Every Parent of a Picky Eater Asks (Part 2)The Nagging Question Every Parent of a Picky Eater Asks (Part 2)
  • The Role Intuitive Eating Plays at Midlife with Jenn Salib Huber [Podcast]The Role Intuitive Eating Plays at Midlife with Jenn Salib Huber [Podcast]

Categories

Get the books!

The Alliance of Independent Authors - Author Member

Join the Newsletter

Sign up for Maryann’s E-mail Newsletter and get her ebook The Landmines of a Healthy Relationship with Food for FREE. Subscribe now!

Thank you!

You have successfully joined our subscriber list. You're not done. Check your email to confirm your address. After you do that, you'll receive a link for the free e-book.

.

Copyright © 2023 — Maryann Jacobsen • All rights reserved • Powered by Femme Flora. Designed & Developed by BinaryTurf Privacy Policy

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.OK Privacy Policy
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
SAVE & ACCEPT