I broke down sobbing at my daughter’s pediatrician when she was 4 weeks old. She had lost interest in breastfeeding and the good doctor confirmed what I already knew: she was not gaining enough weight.
We struggled through each feeding — and I still couldn’t get my arms around how something so natural could be so painstakingly difficult. I was learning an important lesson in motherhood: feeding my child would take more time, energy, and emotional investment than I had ever imagined.
She wouldn’t take the breast and I wanted her to — and therein lies the struggle.
We got through this first crisis thanks to a pump and sheer determination on my part. But the fear that my child wasn’t getting enough to eat, or the right nutrition, would continually rear its ugly head and tempt me to feed in ways that are counterproductive for my kids.
The questions every parent asks
Ultimately every parent asks themselves the following questions: Is my son getting enough to eat? Is my daughter getting too much to eat? Is my son meeting his nutritional needs?
When these questions are confirmed with low or high body weight, certain food groups that are left uneaten, barely touched meals for days or plates wiped clean with begging for more, the panic sets in.
It’s almost like parents (especially moms) have an alarm that goes off when their child’s eating gets off-kilter.
Not getting the right answer
Ultimately when feeding goes wrong we find ourselves in the position I was in at the pediatrician’s office: in search of answers. When I asked the doctor what to do she said to give formula. And that was not the right answer. For me.
You see, I had already done my research. I knew that if I supplemented with formula that my milk supply would go down. But my doctor was trying to save me the time of pumping and even tried to tempt me with more sleep. But I didn’t care about sleep — I just wanted to save our breastfeeding relationship. If I did everything I could, and it still didn’t work out, then I would give formula.
Think of all the not-so-helpful answers you get when you inquire about your child’s eating:
“He’s fine, all kids are picky”
Doesn’t help.
“He’ll grow out of his weight — did you see pictures of me when I was a kid?”
Doesn’t help.
“Don’t worry about it — he won’t starve.”
Really doesn’t help.
One of the reasons these questions arise in the first place is parents are not prepared for feeding. We are usually told to give “kids a healthy start” and “breastfeeding is best” but this advice doesn’t always translate to the real world. Like a lot of pregnant women, I spent my time agonizing over my baby registry and the birth itself instead of the thing that would consume me for years after the birth — nourishing my child.
Following intuition doesn’t always work
Without the right preparation and answers to feeding problems, parents make decisions on their own. But what I have found with feeding is that what seems like the right answer at face value often is not. Once you dig in and find all the information, the right answer is usually counterintuitive. Here are some examples:
Your baby/toddler all of a sudden eats less at meals and you immediately offer something else. A better strategy? Because growth slows around 1-year children may not be as hungry, feed regular meals and snacks but let them decide how much to eat.
Your toddler in preschool is a picky eater so you put pressure on them at mealtime. A better strategy? Because pressure makes kids less interested in eating, make mealtimes pleasant and not about what and how much they are eating.
Your child has a low weight so you let them graze and eat whenever they seem slightly hungry. A better strategy? Grazing on food means kids never get hungry. Feed them at regular intervals so they have an appetite for meals (and eat better).
Your school-aged child is obsessed with sweets so you limit them and keep a very tight control when eaten. A better strategy? Because restricting feeding practices are associated with eating more and increased weight, find a consistent way to offer sweets so that it works for you and your child.
Being prepared
I’m revisiting this post now that my kids are now 8 and 10, and I keep writing about the feeding challenges that come up. My oldest is starting on the road to puberty so I’m learning all I can about this stage.
For me, that’s what that very early lesson with my daughter taught me: be prepared.
Want to be prepared for each age and stage? Check out the most comprehensive book on feeding kids: Fearless Feeding: How to Raise Healthy Eaters From High Chair to High School
Photo by Tanaphong Toochinda on Unsplash
Thank you! A very important and complex topic, and the insight is welcome. It is consistently one of the most challenging aspects of parenting, and we all benefit from better information and resources.
Thanks Ingrid. You are so right about feeding being the most complicated and time consuming. That’s exactly why I started this blog. I don’t have all the answers but I hope to shed lots of light (with help from other experts of course!)
Nice post. This is definitely a big issue for moms, starting from breastfeeding. As an RD and mom, I too freaked out when my newborn son wasn’t breastfeeding properly. Luckily, once he started solids, he took to all types of foods pretty well. Now he’s 16 months and just beginning to show signs of dislikes – pulling certain foods out of his mouth and plopping them down on his high chair tray. Some days he eats almost as much as me, other days he could care less. It’s great to have RDs like you explain feeding babies & toddlers because it’s definitely not an expertise of many pediatricians!
Thanks Alison! Feeding in real life certainly isn’t easy, even when you know what to do. But I believe (or hope) it gets easier each year that goes by. I hope this is a place that parents can share their struggles and celebrate their successes!
I’m a pediatric RD and first-time mom, and though I have read all Ellyn’s books and taken her workshops, I do get those creeping feelings of worry when my 1 year old refuses a meal or chooses only the bread. I guess it’s inevitable… I only wish more people knew the best approaches to help their kids become better eaters. As you say, it’s not intuitive!
Amy — it happens to all of us — that alarm goes off and we can choose to panic or sti back and really think about what strategy is best. It has been much easier with my second, knowing what to expect and being ready for it. Thanks for reading!
Really insightful post. Thank you so much for putting this into words. I still let my lower weight child graze way too much. For a good year or so I was able to keep her appetite up for meals by only offering fruit or anything else high in water for snacks. It’s still a very learn-as-I-go kind of situation. And the battle with that little voice in my head that wonders if I’m feeding them properly is unending.
Thanks Cindy. Raising healthy kids today isn’t easy. I’m slowly learning to let go and trust that if I do my job they will do theirs.
Beautiful post. Thank you for it. You hit the nail on the head with this one. I spend the vast majority of my time with parents of young children teaching these principles in depth. They are baffled that no one every taught them before (friends, family, pediatricians, etc). As pediatric dietitians, we need to get the word out more and you did a stellar job right here. Thank you!
What is a good normal meal for my son?? that is what I ended up asking myself, not what a book says he should eat, but what would really be a good meal for HIM, knowing his likes and dislikes, knowing how much he eats He eats a variety of vegetables, he eats a variety of carbohydrates, but he does not eat much, and unless I have set myself a realistic goal of what is a good meal for him, then I can never be satisfied that he has eaten well for this meal, on this day. And celebrate that fact and move on with my day.
Stephanie,
Try not to label meals as “good” or “bad” — it will set you up for disappointment. With that being said, you want to provide a variety of food groups at each meal. At our house breafast always has a fruit, whole grain (cereal or waffles or french toast), protein (eggs but not every day) and dairy (milk or yogurt). Lunch and dinner would have starch, protein, vegetable and maybe some fruit again. I always make sure there is something my kids like at the meal and I make sure to periodically provide them with their favorites while exposing them to new foods or foods they don’t love (for example, both my kids LOVE grilled cheese and avocado sandwiches so they get in it once or twice a week but not every day). There’s no right or wrong way to do this and for the most part, kids eaitng will be erratic. If your son is growing fine per his pediatrician than he is getting enough to eat. As for meeting his nutritional needs, my next series will help you decide that. You may need to supplement him based on what he is eating right now or make some changes to what you offer. I tell parents not to look at single meals or even days but the entire week of eating. Does this make sense?
Thank you for the article.
I have been struggling with eating issues with my daughter since she was a baby. I recently found this website http://childrenandbabiesnoteating.com/ that really helped me figure out why my daughter wouldn’t eat and get the help I needed.
Thanks Emma — that’s a helpful resource. I talk about Selective eating in my picky eating series. Parents need to remember that sometimes picky eating can actually be a disorder, If kids are not gaining enough or show complete refusal or other problems, it’s best to get checked out.
This is a really terrific post. You hit the nail on the head that nourishing my children is probably the #1 thing that I worry about. All the time. Lately I feel like we’ve not been doing well again. My 4 yr old is so picky and my 6 yr old (the one that is autistic) is so set in her ways. Although I have recently got her eating whole grain pasta again (which she had been refusing for a long, long time) so I feel that’s a win and adds in some new variety again.
I’m looking forward to your nutrition series. I feel like it’s something I don’t have as an understanding as I’d like – even though I read up on it all the time.
Your blog really means a lot to me because you are writing about something that I’m constantly thinking about, and you provide research-based information (not just your opinion) and also because you share your own struggles.
Goodfountain — Thank you so much for your support and kind words! Feeding kids is full of ups and downs. I try to keep my eye on the long-term goal and not get lost in the daily struggles. Not easy, I know!