A parent emails me about her frustration with dinner. She used to make her son eat vegetables to get dessert. Now that she’s no longer using this tactic, he’s stopped eating any vegetables. She’s tempted to go back to her old way of feeding.
I talk to an acquaintance about her recent unwanted weight gain. As I try to dig into the potential contributors, she’s already planning what she can ban from her diet to take the weight off.
Controlling feeding practices are hard to shake. But when people can see that such practices hold them — and their family — back from life-long enjoyable health, it changes everything.
How controlling practices hook us
I view controlling feeding practices as using one’s force or will to change eating behavior. In the case of feeding kids, it’s a parent or caregiver insisting a child eats a certain way. When it’s feeding oneself, it’s self-directed. It’s looking at eating at face value: X (not eating vegetables, weight gain) isn’t good, so I will change X (eat your vegetables, lose weight).
Controlling feeding practices are popular because they provide quick results. If we are angry about something food-related, we can instantly change the behavior and feel better. For example, seeing a child actually eat something green or feeling a less-bloated belly after a day of detoxing.
But when it becomes clear the strategy isn’t translating to long-term behavior change, it makes people even more dependent on the controlling feeding practice. Joey isn’t choosing broccoli on his own so his parents still make him eat it even though he’s almost a teenager. The new way of eating you’re trying works great until you break the rules — then you’re back to square one. The effects of controlling practices reinforce their power as illustrated below.
Why it backfires
There are three key reasons why controlling feeding practices backfire. First, are what researchers call “resource depletion.” We only have a limited amount of self-control resources. So if someone is using willpower to follow a strict diet, this may work great at first, but once other life stressors kick in, willpower depletes and temptation wins. When it comes to feeding kids, parents can become inconsistent, trying to get them to eat one night followed by giving up the next night because they just don’t have the energy.
Second, restricting or controlling makes people more sensitive to environmental food cues. This can lead to what researchers call disinhibition, feeling out of control when finally eating a desirable food, the eating behavior most linked to weight gain. A link between mothers’ dietary disinhibition and daughters’ weight was found in this study.
And third, controlling feeding practices keep people from discovering the why behind food-related behaviors. Instead of jumping to change things, it makes sense to first be mindful of all the factors contributing to the behavior. Then, instead of using control, people can work on the root causes to fix the problem.
A better way
So let’s apply this to the two stories at the beginning of the post. Although the mom is tempted to go back to bribing her son with dessert, she decides to brainstorm why he is so averse to vegetables. First, the previous bribing didn’t help. If it did, he would now freely choose his veggies. She realizes he doesn’t view vegetables in a positive light so she shows him how she adds veggies to yummy foods like muffins and smoothies.
She gives him hands-on experience and talks to him about the texture and taste of veggies. She offers him condiments at meals, such as ketchup and ranch, and he starts taking some bites. Slowly she sees him warm up to vegetables but she realizes this is a process that takes time. But he’s on his way.
The woman who wants to lose weight thinks about all her previous weight loss attempts. If restrictive eating really worked she wouldn’t keep gaining weight back, right? And she could always go back to that strategy if she wants to. Instead, she takes a mindful approach. What drives her eating? She realizes stress plays a big role. By the end of the week, her willpower is gone. And there always seems a reason to indulge. Her breakthrough comes when she realizes she constantly makes excuses to eat indulgent food (e.g., stressful day, holiday, night out). Because she always feels guilty, she overeats. When she gives herself permission to eat indulgent foods sensibly, they instantly lose power over her.
She also asks her husband for support so she doesn’t feel so weighed down by parenting and her part-time work. Because she’s never enjoyed working out at the gym, she decides to join a women’s soccer league, a sport she loves. She goes for walks with friends to get both social time and exercise time. And she makes meals and eating balanced a priority…no more skipping breakfast or eating lunch in front of the computer.
These small changes feel good to her, so she keeps it up. She becomes aware of the foods that energize her and the foods that deplete her. In a year’s time, she loves her healthy lifestyle and feels she is at the right weight for her.
But what if she went on another diet? What if the mom chose to bribe her son with dessert? None of their underlying challenges would be addressed. Instead, they’d be a slave to controlling feeding practices.
I’m not denying we live in a crazy food and (lack of) activity environment that contributes to poor health. But using willpower and control as a way out only makes matters worse. I cringe when I think of summer-ready diet books coming our way soon. By now, we know exactly what to expect with each and every one of those books: more people back next year looking for another one to replace it.
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I have read fearless feeding, many times, and I also subscribe to Raise Healthy Eaters. I’ve never actually posted a comment or asked for advice, but after reading the latest post I feel like I’m missing something. I have two kids ages 2 and 3 1/2 and they are completely different when it comes to their eating styles. My youngest is very picky while my older son eats everything! I don’t force my kids to eat all their food or eat anything in particular, but I always offer a variety. The problem that I’m having is that my son seems obsessed with sweets. We have sweets at our house occasionally, I don’t restrict it, and do my best not to give it any special kind of attention. I offer lots of healthy options, explain that sweets are a once in a while kind of food, and allow him to choose how much he wants to eat. However, I feel like from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed he’s asking for it. I don’t say no, I typically will say something such as how about tomorrow at snack or let’s talk about it when I pick you up from school. Then when he does eat sweets he can’t get enough! I’ve always felt like I did a good job feeding my kids, but after reading this article I feel like I am missing because I’ve utilized these strategies and my son continues to have a fixation with sweets. Help please!
Hi Jennifer,
How often to you offer sweets? You say occasionally. IS that once a week or more or less?
On average I would say that I buy a small bag of candy, such as gummy bears once a week per my sons request. On occasion(once every couple of weeks there’s something extra laying around), such as this week, we have three boxes of girl scout cookies in the cupboard. I’m not a huge fan of sweets, but I would say that I enjoy dessert once a week usually on the weekends, and that’s when I offer sweets. However, between parties, going to friends houses, sweets being offered by others, when my son asks for sweets, or I offer them I would say he has some type of sweet five out of seven days. For example both Monday and Tuesday night he had two girl scout cookies.
Another thing. I often get this question as kids turn 3. Research shows kids become more sensitive to environmental cues of eating around 3. So your son is probably seeing sweets in the outside environment and wondering why he doesn’t get to eat them more often at home. You can ask him what he likes and find a plan to offer him sweets on some sort of regular basis. You can also make them healthier and homemade if you prefer. Some kids do okay with sweets 1-2 times a week and others will want it more often. We have something sweet most days, even if its just dark chocolate, so my kids know to expect. My daughter has a huge sweet did as did I growing up. I hope that makes sense!
Yes it does. Thank you!
Great piece, Maryann! As a fellow RD, I am also interested in mindful/intuitive eating. I allow my kids dessert on a nightly basis, mostly because I was restricted from sweets growing up and have had to learn why I eat them as an adult (which has curbed my want for them). Some nights they choose ice cream, some nights, a cookie, and some nights they forget! Found you on Nutrition Blog Networks and now I am following you on Facebook. Looking forward to reading more!
Kids are learning what they like and dislike when they are young and helping them to experiment with tastes will make them want to try new foods and new flavors. Also getting them involved sometimes makes it easy for them.
I need advice for my sister living in St Johnsbury Vermont. She has three children ages 3,7 and 9. My sister recently told me over phone that there was a little boy ( age 7) who came over for a vegetarian dinner who asked for 2 separate spoons so that his utensil would not touch other food groups on his plate. After hearing this, all the other kids asked for separate spoons as well. My sister gave in and handed out second spoons to everyone and said if she didn’t comply with the boy’s request, his parents would be upset. My sister and I grew up in CA, we never heard of children having so much power over things like this. Is this normal behavior for children during this age group/generation, or is this considered extreme picky eating habits ? What is the best way to take care of a situation like this in the future? How should my sister handle this with the little boy’s parents?