We were at a family gathering where the kids had access to sweets (donuts) and lunch food (sandwiches, pasta salad etc). I helped them get food and sat them down. I went to get my food and when I returned, Big A told was quick to point out how much she ate and wanted to know if she could have her donut. Little D followed his big sister’s lead.
Here’s the thing. My kids don’t have to eat a certain amount to get dessert when we have it. Even so, they have learned that dessert really is the star of the show. Now I understand that part of this has to do with kids’ preferences, but I still didn’t like it.
So I decided to help level the playing field by making a simple, but significant change.
Dessert with dinner — why now?
I’ve known about the serve-dessert-with-dinner strategy recommended by Ellyn Satter for some time now. In fact, I typically offer it as an option for parents who struggle with what I call “the dessert dilemma.” And I usually hear really positive things like the following:
I’ve been trying it, and so far, it looks like it may revolutionize our dinner-times– and get my kids to eat more of their healthy food! There is actually time for regular conversation when the negotiating over sweets disappears.
I’ve resisted it because overall dessert has not been an issue for us and I didn’t want to feel obligated to always have dessert with dinner. But now I see that not only can it be helpful, but it doesn’t have to change how often I offer dessert. I can do what I’ve been doing but simply choose to serve dessert with the meal instead of after.
I wanted to try this while my kids, 5 and 8, are still young enough. As they get older it really won’t matter so much and I’m sure dessert after dinner will naturally evolve.
What it entails
Basically, the idea is to offer the sweet item you were planning to have with the meal instead of after. Because the food is competing with other nutritious foods, it’s important to keep the portion relatively small and not allow for seconds. Satter suggests having other times, like an afternoon snack, when kids can eat as much as they want (for example, cookies with milk after school) to avoid fixating on those foods because they are always limited.
This transition has been really easy. Big A was excited when I explained it to her “You mean I can eat chocolate first?!” When I served ice cream one night, Little D decided to eat it before his burrito but Big A wanted to save it. I also notice the kids stay at the table a bit longer and there’s less talk about dessert because it’s right there.
This isn’t about getting my kids to eat less, it’s about taking the attention away from sweets in a world that does the opposite. Sweets are just another enjoyable food to eat but not the main event. I think dessert with dinner gets that message across loud and clear.
Anyone else tried serving dessert with dinner?
Want more strategies for making sweets less of a big deal? Check out Maryann’s book How to Raise a Mindful Eater: 8 Powerful Principles for Transforming Your Child’s Relationship with Food
I have done this–and when I have, it works really well. The kids usually eat their sweet item first, but then eat their other food too. It seems a little crazy and kind of goes against the natural order of things, but it really does take some of the “power” away from sweets. Thanks for the reminder to do this more often!
Thanks Sally. I don’t know why I waited this long!
Love this Maryann-I do the same thing and recommend it as well. I really believe that can be a game changer! 🙂
You’re right — I always hear positive things from parents after they try it.
YES! Love this post. We don’t always do dessert but if we do, I give it to my daughter when she asks – even if she hasn’t touched her veggies or eating most of her dinner. I leave her dinner plate on the table and the majority of the time, she then goes back and eats more of her meal even after eating her sweet. Never thought to serve it together – makes sense!
Sounds like you had it right from the beginning!
We have done this, and across our three kids it’s always interesting to see how they approach it. Sometimes they eat it right away, sometimes they eat it between bites of other things, or leave it to the end. One night in particular I was a bit shocked to watch my son dip his broccoli in chocolate pudding. Weird to me, no big deal to him. I definitely agree this takes the emphasis off sweets being ‘special’. It was a bit hard to convince my husband that this approach would work, but now it’s not unusual for us to see our kids turn down some desserts entirely or leave some with a simple, “no thanks, I’m full.”
Yea, my husband was like what? But I think he likes it now — less work for us.
i have done this from the beginning with my toddler & when he does decide to eat, it works every time. He usually eats the dessert first but then ALWAYS eats his meal afterwards. Every time. It is hard to get my head around sometimes but now I just let him choose.
That’s amazing Kristy!
It’s a powerful experience when you do it for the first time. It neutralizes it, completely! (even for adults!)
For sure. I was amazed how seamless the change was for us and even though kids eat less dessert, they don’t complain.
I’m definitely trying this. My oldest son is obsessed with dessert. And against all my efforts, the rest of our family still tend to operate under the “finish your dinner and you can have dessert” so he’s picked up that concept. I’m hoping this will put that to rest.
Let us know how it goes Regan!
I’ve also done this from the beginning with my kids, and I absolutely believe it makes a positive difference. I’ve found this is a challenge for many parents when I teach the DOR because they worry kids will only eat the dessert item. As with adults, when we neutralize food, we eat what we need and want, and feel better in the end. This idea also offers opportunities for creative dessert options.
Tonight I talked to my kids (age 6 and 8) about ending the dinner time negotiations of how much they have to eat to get a treat. It’s exhausting and annoying for me and I do worry that it creates an unhealthy mindset about sweets for them. What we came up with is that they can have dessert two nights a week wether or not they eat much dinner or how many veggies they eat. They chose Sat and Sun. The other nights we won’t do dessert. I was sure they would try to ask for at least three nights, but they agreed to two. We will see how it goes!
Sadie — sounds like you are on the road to finding a strategy that works for you. Let us know how it turns out!
Fascinating article. We do the no sweets until after dinner thing and most nights dinner is a battleground. This very evening, I found two small boiled sweets in a drawer and gave them to my 4 year old just before dinner. I then asked him to tell me when he was hungry, which he did shortly afterwards. He ate his entire dinner, including all his broccoli without being prompted once and then asked for some scrambled eggs. After reading your article it all makes sense. I’m sold on the idea 🙂 hooray! No more nagging at mealtimes!
Hi Maryann, I love your blog, very helpful information.
I was wondering about your experiences, pros and cons regarding 2 different daily “treat” strategies:
1- Serving desert at dinner (I don’t know if you do the occasional unlimited snacks like Satter suggests)
2- Once a day anytime treats that the child can eat, whenever she/he wants
I have been trying a bit both but I am not sure how to move forward next.
Thanks for your advise
Ahu
Ahu — I think it depends on the kid and family. find something that works fo ryou a nd be willing to change it if it doesn’t work. But always give it time before changing strategies.
Thanks!
I’ve been doing this and it works great with my girls, but with my son, he’ll eat the sweet thing and then nothing else on his plate. So then I revert back to not serving dessert with dinner. I don’t know how to make it work! 🙁
How long did you try it for? Maybe with time, he will eat other things.