Once a week, Big A and Little D go someplace where the cookies and snacks are endless, juice requests don’t get turned down, Ipads are available with every game imaginable and the TV stays on.
My husband and I call it Club Millie’s (AKA Grandma’s). Yes, this is my mom’s house.
This used to be somewhat of a sore spot with me. After all, I’m a dietitian who specializes in family nutrition. Yet I have strangely come to value it.
I have discovered that it can actually be powerful to allow children to explore and experiment with all types of food without judgment. At home, we do things differently than at Grandma’s, but they get to experience this difference for themselves, without my having to lecture or say a word.
I’ve seen my 6-year old go through all kinds of food stages. She used to eat these bars at my mom’s and now she doesn’t want them anymore. Lately, instead of gulping apple juice, she is stopping and drinking water because she realizes how thirsty too much juice makes her feel. My daughter has asked her share of questions, which has led to the best nutrition teaching possible because it’s based on her observations and interests.
What’s interesting is that neither of my kids asks for the food or other privileges at home that are available at Grandma’s. When we go shopping they aren’t trying to sneak food into the cart. They seem content with what and how I structure food (and screen time) at home.
What really helps me is the belief (strongly supported by research) that the most important environment my kids have, in terms of developing healthy habits, is the home. And even though my kids will go through different food stages as they grow, it is very likely that, as adults, they will choose the balanced eating style my husband and I model at home.
But if I push too hard, they may end up rebelling, becoming attracted to the very things I want them to learn to moderate. So instead of fear, I choose to stand in a place of confidence, showing I’m not threatened by the outside environment (because I’m not!). This doesn’t mean I won’t try to positively affect their surroundings as I have at my daughter’s school, I’ve just decided not to make it the enemy.
I also realize that when I let my kids loose in college they are going to be surrounded by less-than-stellar food choices. When they start working they will have all sorts of choices too — think donuts at meetings and cakes at office birthday parties and people bringing in their kids’ Halloween candy. Teaching children how to manage these foods is an often ignored, but important, factor in raising healthy eaters.
So my strategy isn’t to shelter my kids, but to expose them in sensible ways, using their experiences to help guide them to balanced choices. And because Grandma is already exposing them to this world, that means I don’t have to.
How do you feel about what happens at Grandma’s or other outside food environments?
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It is a struggle for me to know our kids get all sorts of junk at school and after sports practices/games seemingly all the time (cupcakes! donuts! lollipops! juice! junk!), but something that our kindergartner said to me recently helped me to let go a bit. He said, “We had cupcakes with thick pink frosting at school today for [ …’s] birthday. It is the kind of thing that tastes good going down, but it doesn’t feel so good once it’s in my tummy.” I was thrilled that he had the self-awareness that some food makes his body feel bad, and that he acknowledged that the food we eat at home doesn’t make him feel that way.
Michelle.
Thanks for your comment! I also don’t love all the food at school which is why I’m trying to help balance it out through starting a health and wellness committee. But I do think how we respond to these situations is key allowing children to see for themselves which way is better by setting the example at home and staying neutral.
Great post! There will always be junk out there in the world. Setting a personal example with food and everything else is truly the best way to teach children
I found your post to be very encouraging. I often find myself getting frusterated with both sets of grandparents when they act as if rules don’t apply under thier supervision. Unfortunately, my kids get week-long stints with the grandparents once every other month or so because both sets live out of state and visit regularly. After Grandma leaves, both my girls have a bad case of what I call the “grandma hangover” where they can’t seem to accept the normal rules and we experience excessive moodiness and crying. It seems as soon as I wean them off of this behavior, the next grandparent shows up. My kids are young (2 and 4) so I hope this will get better as the get older.
Suzanne,
It is a different situation when it happens all the time or the person is watching your child while you work etc. In those cases, talking openly with them can help, setting up some guidelines. I discuss how to deal with this here http://www.maryannjacobsen.com/2010/07/ask-the-dietitian-help-my-mother-in-law-is-sabotaging-my-sons-diet/
I’m so glad you posted this! I have the same issue with my MIL. We go visit them (or they come visit us) and they have no concept of healthy eating, despite that they believe they do. It is SOOOO hard for me because they will say things like “good job eating all your food” or “eat just 2 more bites and you can have dessert” and the food choices and serving sizes are less than stellar. Like Suzanne, my kids are 2 and 4 (almost 5) and seem to need a little time to transition back to reality after all the over-indulgence. Although, the last time we went to visit (just 2 weeks ago) my oldest was educating Grandma on the fact that fruit chews are desserts and not snacks….so that was reassuring. I was less stressed about all the food and TV differences this time and our visit was much more pleasant than usual. I am interested in learning more about your health and wellness committee b/c my son will be starting Kindergarten in the fall.
Thanks Sara! I will be blogging about the health and wellness stuff soon. Hopefully that will help!
This post hits home with me. I am often discouraged and stressed out about all of the junk my kids get when at grandma’s, school, the neighbor’s house, etc. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I can control the food in my house and when the kids are with me, but when they are at someone else’s house I do not have control and it’s ok. Same with tv. We don’t have it at our house but of course at grandma’s house it is hard to drag my daughter away from it. I have learned to accept it and focus on just what I do at home (it helps that they only see their grandparents maybe 5 times per year).
Appreciate the insight on our house “rules” vs. Grandma and Grandpa’s. We have similar family dynamics, and I have in the past gotten pretty bent out of shape about the boys trips to McD’s with the grandparents, or three desserts after lunch, or well, you get it. Our kids are now 5 and 8, and developing their own opinions on food; I like your reminder about not judging how others are doing it, but rather keep promoting from within our own homes. It used to take a pretty long few days to recover from the grandparent visits but now our kids don’t push the boundaries with us so much anymore at home. LOVE your blog and newsletter, so helpful, thanks!
Nicole Steed
All great points Maryann and views I share for my family. But with my overweight clients I can’t be as nonchalant because often the messages they receive at home aren’t any more healthy than the ones at grandmas. The other instance is when grandparents are daycare. When they are the primary caregivers when mom and dad work, grandparents have to be more like parents when it comes to feeding and less like the treat doling grandparents they’d probably like to be. With the variety of family dynamics today don’t you wish it was that easy?
Katie I totally agree. This is just my personal story. If my kids were at my moms full time (when they were younger and not in school), that would change the way I handled it. Everyone’s situation is different for sure!
Well, I certainly wish it could be different at Grandma’s house. Because having family members who support healthy eating (and media limits!) would be so wonderful. I love your balanced approach, though! I need to be more trusting that my kids will grow to love healthy food despite all the outside “junk” influence. Hard to do. I blog about making healthy changes in the school environment, by the way. If you are looking for resources, please come by and check out my website (http://school-bites.com) or Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/SchoolBites).
Thanks Stacy! I do dream of a world like that too but as you know we can’t always control the environment. I found for myself many years ago, becoming more relaxed about outside food actually improved my diet because I wasn’t so focused on what I shouldn’t eat. It changed my whole relationship with food for the better.
I will check out your blog as I’m helping make changes at my daughter’s school.
This is a great post. What is your policy when you are ALL at Grandma’s? I find this to be the most difficult, especially when cousins, etc are around and get to indulge…we get the “you’ll have to ask mom”/eye roll combo. I hate to always have to be the bad guy, but I also don’t want to confuse them. When I’m not there, it’s one thing…thoughts?
Lisa — my kids always ask first when we are all there unless it’s a party with snack food all around. Then my kids are free to roam. Make sense?
Wow. I am the grandma, and the dynamic is completely reversed in our family! I’m the one who’s a stickler for healthier eating, so my grandson gets fruit and nuts in small portions for snacks, and dinners are full of protein and vegetables.
I have a veggie garden, so the little guy (he’s almost four) gets to help water and harvest and we sit in the garden and eat peas right off the vine, or tomatoes, or any other thing that’s in season (I grow organic). Just before the hot weather hit here he was running around the yard munching on a huge stalk of chard — ate the leaf first and then finished off the stem, then went back for another.
I think he gets way too much junk food at his home (or way too much in quantity of the good foods), so I try to be the one to model good eating. Not complaining (although I sometimes envy the grandmas who get to be the spoilers), I just thought I’d let all of you know that not all the grandmas in the world are the same.
I love hearing how many of you mothers are conscientious about feeding your kids. Thanks for the balance.
Way to go Grammy!! We need more grandmas like you. My daughter also has a grandma that grows a garden so it’s a nice influence.
Great post! My son is still little so my parents follow the “rules” that I set out with regards to what he eats, but I do know that it is only a matter of time before I have to let go a little bit and stop stressing. I think your approach is a good way to find balance, and although I am still going to let my parents know my preferences, your post made me decide that I will not “micro-manage” and will do my best to encourage my son’s healthy habits and relationship with food when he is at home. Such a complicated topic!
I have provided daycare for years for my grandsons while Mommy teaches. It is totally different when I am the daycare Nana than when I am the sleep over Nana. That happens every Friday night. We eat popcorn, chips, grapes, etc. in bed. We have even soaked Oreos in milk in Nana’s bed, We stay up late (10), tell scary stories, watch movies. But when I’m the day care Nana we eat veggies, drink milk and eat wonderfully healthy things. The boys know the difference. We do adhere to “what happens at Nana’s stays at Nana’s” at all times.
The hardest thing for me about leaving my kids with family/friends is not WHAT is served, but HOW. Other people are much more lax about sit down meals, will bribe or console with food, give frequent food handouts or pressure them to eat more. It’s all those aspects that make me nervous rather than the actual physical food they serve.
I agree Adina. I am the same way. I tell my daughter to just let them know that her mom allows her to stop when full. This summer I will be leaving a note in her lunch box saying that she can decide when done and what order to eat hte food in.