Janet was with her 5-year-old daughter at a playdate. As it was coming to a close, the kids pulled out cookies and begged to have them. Janet wasn’t sure because it was less than an hour from dinner. Plus, she had a fun dessert planned.
But there was her precious girl saying over and over, “Please mommy!” Janet hesitantly said yes. After all, her daughter might feel deprived if she doesn’t share a cookie (or 4) with her friend. And just as she feared, this resulted in a barely touched dinner and a second helping of something sweet.
While I don’t believe in restricting children from foods they enjoy, constantly saying yes to their food requests isn’t the answer. So let’s walk through when and how we can say “no” more effectively — and without fear.
Thinking through your decision
What factors into my decision of whether or not to say yes to food requests (usually outside the home) is the time of day and what my kids have already eaten. If it’s close to snack time then it will likely be a yes. If they haven’t had something sweet — and want something sweet — it is a yes or a choice between now or later. If my kids ask for something for lunch and its close to what I was going to make — or a better idea– it’s a yes. Sometimes I even add “that’s a good idea!”
But if it’s right before the main meal like dinner, I err on the side of no. If we already had something sweet, it is also likely to be a no unless it’s a party or one of those weekends.
But here’s the secret: I hardly ever just say no.
Following “no” with the why and when
In these two scenarios both parents are saying no, but one is more likely to be accepted:
1) “For the fourth time I told you no. PLEASE don’t ask me again. No cupcakes!”
2) “I know you want cupcakes but it’s too close to dinnertime. Plus, we are having your favorite pudding for dessert tonight.”
When parents constantly say no without explaining why they are making that choice and when the child will get the item (or something similar), children are left frustrated and wanting more. But when we add some context it not only softens the blow, it teaches children about balanced choices.
The importance of being heard
There’s a third often forgotten part to effectively saying no that’s important to mention: accepting and acknowledging a child’s feelings. In the popular parenting book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, Authors Faber and Mazlish describe why this is important:
Steady denial of kids’ feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also it teaches them not to know what their feelings are — not to trust them.
Whether parents say something like “you don’t want that food, it’s junk,” or “there’s no way you could be hungry, you just ate,” it’s common to a deny a child’s feelings around food, replacing them with how we think they should be feeling.
Whether you are 1 day or 101 years old, it is part of the human condition to want to be heard and understood. So accepting and acknowledging your child’s feeling goes a long way, even when the answer is still no.
Feeling like you have to choose a side (when you don’t)
As I was writing this piece, this post made the rounds (5 Reasons Modern-Day Parenting is in Crisis, According to a British Nanny). While I tend to agree that parents need to set firmer limits, what’s missing is the how. Unfortunately, articles like these make parents feel like they need to choose between being strict or letting kids have their way. But what I’ve described above is an example of an authoritative parenting style, that middle ground that is not too strict nor too lenient. And the research on its effectiveness is pretty striking.
Consider this review examining 20 years of research on parenting styles and adolescent health risk behaviors. In it, the authors briefly describe the three type of parenting styles:
Authoritarian: high control, low acceptance: Kids are expected to “do as parents say” and kids’ feelings are generally disregarded. This type of parenting is described as rigid with a detached style.
Authoritative: high control, high acceptance: Parents establish clear limits but listen to, reason with and respect their children’s feelings. This type of parenting is consistent with a warm and responsive style.
Permissive: low control, high acceptance: Parents fail to set boundaries so children get a great deal of freedom. This type of parenting has low expectations with a warm and responsive style.
The researchers conclude the following:
In our review examining how various parenting styles influence adolescent health risk behaviors, our findings support those of previous similar studies indicating that adolescents of authoritative parents who have positive parental relationships, healthy open communication and perceived parental support, are less likely to report symptoms of depression or engage in substance use, sexual risk and violent behaviors.
This article in Parenting Science (updated 2013) summarizes it this way:
…there is remarkable agreement across studies. From Argentina to China, from the United States to Pakistan, the authoritative parenting style is consistently associated with superior outcomes, and it has never been linked with bad outcomes.
In Fearless Feeding, we show parents what an authoritative parenting style looks like when it comes to feeding kids from the high chair all the way to high school.
So yes, it’s okay, preferable even, to say no to a child about food and a slew of other things. But there is a more positive and effective way to go about it that makes both parent and child happy. That’s what no one seems to be talking about.
For more on how to talk to kids about food check out Maryann’s book How to Raise a Mindful Eater: 8 Powerful Principles for Transforming Your Child’s Relationship with Food
Excellent post, Maryann! You are so right that many articles point out what parents are doing wrong (hence making us feel like poo) but not telling us how to do it right. I really like how, in your example, you actually don’t say no. You validate their feelings (you want cupcakes), explain why it’s not a choice, then end on a high note (remember we’re having pudding). Thanks for providing such a good roadmap for those tricky moments–and there seem to be SO MANY of them.
Thanks so much Sally. You are right, it can be tricky out there. We need all the help we can get ; )
Great post! I always struggle walking that fine line between teaching moderation without my kids feeling deprived. Will try to use these tips in the future!
Thanks Sarah. Let me know how it goes!
Hi Maryann, I liked your article and it brought useful tips to parents. We live in France, and my kids and French kids don’t usually ask for food outside of mealtimes (which are scheduled, including the afternoon-gouter-(snack).
I agree we need to say “no” to kids for eating outside of mealtimes (when appropriate) and after time, the kids just know to hold their hunger until the next meal (or snack). It is easier in France (I believe) because the other kids are not eating outside their mealtime either.
One hard area though-when kids turn into teenagers –I have two of them and my son (13) really is hungry and for him I try to stick with just eating during mealtimes, but I do make exceptions when he is ravenous hungry (he cannot get enough calories :)! ) and give him something small (fruit or whatever) to hold him over-he always eats well at dinner because he is just hungry and in a growth spurt.
Thanks Mary. My kids don’t ask for food at home either because of structure like you say. But there are plenty of opportunities outside the home (like ice cream at swim practice etc.) that need to be managed.
One thing we talk about in our book Fearless Feeding, is letting fruit always be a yes. So if a child is hungry outside mealtimes, offering fruit can help get them to the next meal. Teenagers are also test driving food decisions because they have more freedom. In fact, here in the US, teens have the worst eating habits of all the stages. My coauthor does a good job of addressing common challenges. But as you say, it might be different here in the US since everyone’s eating habits are so different and snacking is more common.
I personally eat 5 times a day and so that is our schedule. No matter what I eat at bfast I am hungry at 10 and usually have fruit or something so I always offer that to my kids in addition to an afternoon snack. You may want to consider something mid-morning during this fast-growth stage. Good luck!
Hi Maryann! Thanks for your reply. Good advice for the morning snack. Unfortunately, my son doesn’t want to bring a mid-morning snack to school (middle school), and if the kids have eaten a good breakfast, I don’t encourage that mid morning snack too much either. No one has one (unless you are 3 years old or younger) because the big main meal for us and most French is midday. It is a three or four course meal, even at school. We eat a big snack around 5 pm (school gets out late) and then dinner around 7:30 pm-8:00 pm. Dinner is soup, salad, omelettes, pasta…lighter foods. My son usually walks downstairs again around 10:00 pm because he needs more food (despite 3 big bowls of pasta at dinner 🙂 ). He is just growing so I allow it. A bit different, but it works. I also like your fruit rule, I use that too…kids adore fruit, right? Take care , Mary
I wish I lived in a world like Mary where there was a public agreement that kids don’t eat between meal/snack times. I hate that I give my girl a snack before going off to play at a friends house just to find out later that the reason she isn’t hungry for dinner is because she had chips and fruit snacks at the neighbors. If anyone has suggestions on how they handle this, I would love it.
Back to your post…this has been an area I’ve struggled with:knowing when I can say no. I started this style of feeding a year ago and the progress is wonderful. I went from having a 3 year old that thought about food all day, would sneak in to drawers when i was in another room, and eat large amounts of food when she was with other people that allowed it to now a 4 year old that skips meals (never would have happened before), plays happily between meals without hardly ever mentioning food, and leaves 2 bites of a cookie on her plate because she’s full. Her acceptance of new foods is starting to evolve and it’s fun to watch.
So after reading this article I wondered to myself, why is it okay to say no to something’s yet I tell her yes when she asks for a fourth roll for dinner (and not trying anything else) or yes you can eat your piece of chocolate for dinner and then get down because you say you’re not hungry. Granted a year after doing this I see my daughter tasting other things on her plate along with the rolls and after she eats her piece of chocolate for dinner doesn’t ask for any food before bed because I genuinely think she just wasn’t hungry. Even after a year of this style of feeding my girl is not one to turn down treats or to refuse them because she’s not hungry and I’m starting to think there may not be anything I can do about that. At least treats don’t sit on a grand pedestal in her view anymore, so I consider that progress. Anyways, just wondering your thoughts about the situations that I say yes that other people think I’m crazy for doing so.
Marci — I think you answered your own question. When you tried to keep her to certain amounts of foods during meals, she became more fixated on them. now that she is free to eat from what you serve, she is more relaxed and is gradually moving along food acceptance. Most people do not feed their kids this way so of course some will not agree with you.
But often people take following the division of responsibility as always saying yes to a child and that is why I wrote the article. Parents also need to set limits with kids around food but in an authoritative way. When you eat with structure and allow all foods, you help children learn by explaining your decision processes of when you offer food. Most kids will eat sweets even when hungry but they usually compensate for it later by eating less. But if you restrict these items — and eating in general– kids do not compensate and lose ties to their hunger and fullness. I personally don’t eat sweets for hunger its more to fill a craving.
Remember, you have 18 years to teach your child about food and there will be many changes in those years. It sounds like your are doing a great job even though the doubts still creep in. Like most things parenting I guess.
I really appreciated your response. This past week my girl tried celery, guacamole, and peas. 3 foods she has not eaten from the get go. While she only took a couple bites of each before scraping them to the side, she did it with not a word from me and was ecstatic with herself that she had done it.
Since this article I haven’t been near as worried about saying no. I always worry I’m going to trigger something from the past after spending a year trying to fix my mistakes. This post helped me so much. Thanks for all your hard work. It has made a hug difference in my family.
Thanks so much Marci. This comment made my day ; )